John Kerry Is A Joke

2008-05-12T05:37:00.001-07:00

We've Seen This Pair Before...

2008-04-25T01:13:00.000-07:00

Kerry Bumper Stickers

(Sent to Us By Martha Harrison)

Vietnam War Hero - But For Which Side?

Whatever you believe, I do, too - Kerry '04

John Kerry - Saying Whatever It Takes To Get Your Vote

John Kerry Won't Just Take A Stand On The Tough Issues -
He'll Take Two Or Three Of Them

John Kerry: Betraying America Since 1971

John Kerry: Al Gore But Without The Charisma

John Kerry: Screwing Veterans One Day At A Time

John Kerry: When you absolutely, positively
HAVE to lose the war on terrorism overnight!

Waffles And Ketchup Anyone?

Don't vote for anyone who looks like a Q-Tip

Endorsed by Al-Qaeda, Al-Jazeera, and Al-Gore

Everything To Everyone - Kerry 2004

Help Me To Help You Screw Up America

John Kerry: The President Dukakis We Never Had

Keeping too much of your own money? Vote Kerry!

Kerry - Anti-Pro-whatever

Kerry - Citizen of the United Nations

Kerry - The same economy as Clinton, without the burning sensation.

Kerry: Catholic When It Counts!

More Positions Than Gumby

More Waffles than Belgium

On the issues, he's everywhere you want him to be

There are some things money can't buy.
For everything else, there's Teresa.

These are my principles. If you don't like them, I have others.

You decide, I agree - Vote Kerry

Thanks to Martha Harrison Of Utah

2008-04-01T12:09:00.000-07:00

2007-12-14T05:29:00.000-08:00

Kerry's Presidential Package

2007-12-01T08:42:00.000-08:00

Kerry: Rebel Without a Message

2007-11-24T10:47:00.000-08:00

57 Positions

2007-11-09T07:02:00.001-08:00

John Kerry Action Figure

2007-11-01T06:52:00.000-07:00

History Of Kerry

2007-10-19T06:47:00.000-07:00

What Is Your Position

2007-10-09T06:43:00.000-07:00

Bush Pardons Kerry

2007-09-30T06:36:00.000-07:00

The Common Man

2007-09-19T06:32:00.000-07:00

Kerry Lousy T Shirt

2007-09-14T06:50:00.000-07:00

Kerry Fighting Terrorism With Appeasement

2007-06-12T08:22:00.000-07:00

Late Night Jokes

Well, the big story in the presidential campaign is how much money Hillary Clinton raised. She raised 26 million in the first quarter, and then shifted $10 million she had left over from her Senate race for a total of $36 million. In fact Hillary Clinton has so much money now, John Kerry is hitting on her.

2007-02-01T11:03:00.000-08:00

Late Nite Jokes

Leno

I guess you heard by now, Sen. John Kerry announced yesterday he will not run for president, in 2008. He said the time is just not right. You know why it’s not right? It’s an election year.

Kimmel

John Kerry announced that he will not run for president in 2008, which leaves only several hundred Democratic candidates fro president . . .

2006-12-16T09:08:00.000-08:00

Late Nite Jokes

Leno

John Kerry is going to Iraq to visit with the troops. That should boost morale. Lets hope he has some new jokes!

2006-11-26T06:14:00.000-08:00

Late Nite Jokes

Leno

(All military audience) I want everyone to know that none of the jokes tonight were written by John Kerry.

2006-11-11T12:14:00.000-08:00

Late Nite Jokes

Leno

John Kerry came out of the closet today. Literally he came out. He’s not gay. The Democrats just let him out of the closet.

2006-11-10T12:18:00.000-08:00

Late Nite Jokes

Leno

"Borat” is the number one movie in the country. It’s a tall bumbling guy who can’t speak English. He travels around the country annoying people and is often confused. Oh wait, that’s John Kerry.

2006-11-07T14:38:00.000-08:00

Late Nite Jokes

Leno

John Kerry has been lying low too. Reporters have called him and all they get is his answering machine. They know it’s Kerry’s answering machine because it doesn’t have a message.

2006-11-06T05:50:00.000-08:00

Late Nite Jokes

Leno

John Kerry has since apologized for screwing up a joke about President Bush that offended our troops. How do you screw up a Bush joke? That’s like screwing up a Clinton sex joke.

Picture Of The Day

John Kerry Is A Joke

2006-11-03T13:47:00.000-08:00

Late Nite Jokes

Leno

The Republicans have a secret weapon -- it's called John Kerry.

John Kerry botched a joke about President Bush that offended American troops. It's so hard to believe Kerry botched a joke because he's usually just so hilarious.

It's hard to tell when Kerry is joking because of all the Botox.

Conan

John Kerry today apologized for his botched joke. Political analysts say that this has hurt Kerry's chances to run for president in 2008. Apparently his chances have gone from zero to below zero.

2006-11-02T14:41:00.000-08:00

Late Nite Jokes

Leno

I saw an interesting costume last night. I heard at the knock at the door and found a guy with a foot in his mouth. Turns out it was just John Kerry.

People are upset at a botched joke John Kerry said during one of his speeches. Kerry was stunned. "People listen to my speeches?!”

President Bush demanded that Kerry apologize for his remarks. What a change. President Bush addressing someone for stumbling on their words.

John Kerry did apologize today. He also went on to say he was drunk at the time and entered rehab.

2006-10-17T13:20:00.000-07:00

Late Nite Jokes

Leno

John Kerry says that he deserves a second chance to run for president. I say if his wife can afford it – why not?

2006-10-13T13:27:00.000-07:00

Late Nite Jokes

Conan

John Kerry says he is serious about running again in 2008. He’s already practicing his concession speech.

Leno

John Kerry has said that he is serious about running for president again. (Silence) See John, we’re just not that into you.

2006-07-27T06:37:00.000-07:00

Late Nite Jokes

Leno

John Kerry said over the weekend that if he were president the current conflict in the Middle East wouldn’t be happening because he would be more involved in the Middle East. More involved? Bush has invaded the place. How much more involved can he get than that?

John Kerry said today that if he were president the current conflict in the mid east wouldn’t be happening. And then his wife Teresa Heinz said, "Yes dear, I know. Now will you take the garbage out?”

2006-05-25T08:34:00.000-07:00

Late Nite Jokes

Leno

According to a "Washington Post”- ABC News poll, Americans say they now trust Democrats more than Republicans to deal with Iraq, the economy, immigration and other issues. In fact if the election were held today…John Kerry would still lose.

2006-04-12T13:28:00.000-07:00

John Kerry Stump Speech

Good evening ladies and gentleman:

First of all I want to make this clear. George W. Bush misled us about weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. When I voted to authorize force, I was actually voting to threaten the use of force.

When I voted for the $87 billion for Iraq before I voted against it, I was voting to protest the plagiarizing George W. Bush was doing to Bill Clinton's Iraq policies. You see, I remember that day December 16, 1998 when Bill Clinton unilaterally bombed Iraq over weapons of mass destruction. It was Operation Desert Fox. I remember it so well, because even France didn't protest it. Speaking of foxes, have you seen my wife TaRayZaaaa? Glad she was loaded before I married her. Anyway, I want to recap for you where I was during Clinton's speech.

In the afternoon, I had one of the better Botox treatments I have ever had. I had a pedicure, a $1000 haircut and then I worked on my Lurch impersonation in the mirror. I then had big decisions to make. Should I pollute the ocean with my middle class yacht, or go flying in my everyman's corporate jet? I had been looking for that hole in the ozone layer for quite a while and I was in the mood to burn some jet-fuel, so I went flying.

When I got back on the ground, Clinton was just starting his speech and I listened on the radio.

Clinton said, "Saddam Hussein must not be allowed to threaten his neighbors or the world with nuclear arms, poison gas or biological weapons."

I mentioned this to Ted Kennedy who I bumped into on his way to happy hour in Chappaquidick and he said, "Uh, ah yeah it's about time he mentioned those martini's of mass inebriation." A passerby asked, "Are you Senator Kennedy?" and he responded "No, but I did get drunk at a Holiday Inn Express last night."

I then made it home, and heard Clinton say, "The hard fact is that so long as Saddam remains in power, he threatens the well-being of his people, the peace of his region, the security of the world."

Not bad. I called Michael Moore, but his chef said he had just reserved the entire dining room of the Old Country Buffet for the filming of his new autobiographical documentary "And You Thought Anna Nicole Smith Could Chow."

Clinton then said, "The best way to end that threat once and for all is with a new Iraqi government -- a government ready to live in peace with its neighbors, a government that respects the rights of its people."

I tried Al Gore on his cell phone knowing he was probably tweaking the Internet he invented and was most likely not listening to Clinton's speech.

Al told me the best line was yet to come and he was proud that we had a leader who was going to stick it to Saddam. He also said we were lucky that most of the world and most importantly the media would never second guess a Democrat for bombing a soverign country like Iraq. In fact, Al made a prediction that even if a Republican were to bomb Iraq in the future over weapons of mass destruction, we could say that Republican was lying and misleading the American people and that might open the door for another Democrat to be president. The French would back us for sure (they need the kickbacks from the oil for food program) and, without question, the media would too. I put that prediction in my back pocket and listened to Clinton finish his speech.

Clinton concluded about Saddam, "And mark my words, he will develop weapons of mass destruction. He will deploy them, and he will use them."

I then dozed off and dreamt I was accepting the Democratic party nomination for president. It was a weird dream. The Democratic convention was in Paris and I was giving the speech in French......

*Clinton quotes courtesy of the transcript of his speech to the American people, December 16, 1998 which can be found below...

2006-04-11T10:42:00.000-07:00

JOB APPLICATION

NAME: John Kerry

RESIDENCE: 7 mansions, including Washington, DC, worth multimillions.

EDUCATION AND EXPERIENCE:

Law Enforcement. I voted to cut every law enforcement, CIA and defense bill in my career as a US Senator. I ordered Boston to remove a fire hydrant which I considered unsightly, in front of my mansion, thereby endangering my neighbors in the event of fire.

MILITARY:

I used three minor injuries to get an early discharge from the military and service in Vietnam. I then returned to the US, joined Jane Fonda in protesting the war, and insulted returning Vietnam vets, claiming they committed atrocities and were baby killers. I threw my medals, ribbons, or something away in protest. Or did I? My book; Vietnam Veterans Against the War: The New Soldier shows how I truly feel about the military. I deplore the military!

COLLEGE:

I graduated from Yale University with a low C average. Unlike my counterpart George Bush, I have no higher education and did not get admitted to Harvard nor graduate with an M.B.A

PAST WORK EXPERIENCE:

I ran for U.S. Congress and have been there ever since. I have no real world experience except that of a gigolo, by marrying rich women and running HJ Heinz vicariously through my wife Teresa.

ACCOMPLISHMENTS:

As a US Senator I set the record for the most liberal voting record, exceeding even Ted Kennedy and Hillary Clinton. I have consistently failed to support our military and CIA by voting against budgets, thus gutting our country's ability to defend itself. Although I voted for the Iraq War, now I am against it and refuse to admit that I voted for it. I voted for every liberal piece of legislation. I have no plan to help this country but I intend to raise taxes significantly if I am elected.

My wealth so far exceeds that of my counterpart, George Bush, that he will never catch up. I make no or little charitable contributions and have never agreed to pay any voluntary excess taxes in MA, despite family wealth in excess of $700 million.

I (we) own 28 manufacturing plants (Heinz) outside of the U.S. in places like Asia, Mexico and Europe. We can make more profit from the cheaper cost of labor in those Countries, although blame George Bush for sending all of the jobs out of Country.

Although I claim to be in favor of alternative energy sources, Ted Kennedy and I oppose windmills off Nantucket and Martha's Vineyard as it might spoil our view of the ocean as we cruise on our yachts.

RECORDS AND REFERENCES:
None.

PERSONAL

I ride a Serotta Bike.

My Gulfstream V Jet I call The Flying Squirrel.

I call my $850,000 42-foot Hinckley twin diesel yacht the "Scarmouche."

I am fascinated by rap and hip-hop and feel it reflects our real culture.

I own several "Large" SUVs including one parked at my Nantucket summer mansion, though I am against large polluting inefficient vehicles and blame George Bush for the energy problems.

PLEASE CONSIDER MY EXPERIENCE

kerrysucks.com

2006-03-16T11:41:00.000-08:00

John Kerry Is A Joke

"Today, John Kerry announced a fool-proof plan to wipe out the $500B deficit. John Kerry has a plan, he's going to put it on his wife's Gold Card." —Craig Kilborn

"A number of plastic surgeons are claiming that looking at John Kerry now, as opposed to a few months ago, they believe he's had Botox shots. They claim a number of his worry lines have vanished. They haven't vanished, just Howard Dean is wearing them now." –Jay Leno

"Senator John Kerry won the primaries last night. In fact, in the rural areas, he got over 67 percent of the mullet vote." –Jay Leno

"They had a profile of John Kerry on the news and they said his first wife was worth around $300 million and his second wife, his current wife, is worth around $700 million. So when John Kerry says he's going after the wealthy in this country, he's not just talking. He's doing it!" –Jay Leno

"The White House began airing their TV commercials to re-elect the president, and the John Kerry campaign is condemning his use of 9/11 in the ads. He said it is unconscionable to use the tragic memory of a war in order to get elected unless, of course, it's the Vietnam War." –Jay Leno

"John Kerry has promised to take this country back from the wealthy. Who better than the guy worth $700 million to take the country back? See, he knows how the wealthy think. He can spy on them at his country club, at his place in Palm Beach, at his house in the Hamptons. He's like a mole for the working man." –Jay Leno

"I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that he's already planning his White House sex scandal." –David Letterman

"John Kerry will be the Democratic nominee for president. Democrats finally found someone who is Al Gore without the flash and the sizzle." –Craig Kilborn

"Kerry has already begun his search for a running mate. They say that because John Edwards still has $50 million in campaign money, Kerry might pick him. Pick him? Hey, for $50 million, Kerry will marry him." –Jay Leno

"It really kind of looks like now that John Kerry is on his way to the presidential nomination. The only thing that can sink John Kerry now is an Al Gore endorsement." –Jay Leno

"According to a new study, Botox injections can help back pain. So you see, that's why John Kerry had all that Botox - his back was killing him from all that flip-flopping on issues." –Jay Leno

"An Internet rumor claims that John Kerry had an affair with a young woman. When asked if this was similar to the Clinton- Lewinsky scandal, a spokesman said 'Close, but no cigar.'" –Jimmy Fallon, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"Presidential campaign getting kind of ugly, did you hear about this? Yesterday, a 27- year-old woman came forward to deny rumors that she had an affair with Democratic front- runner John Kerry. The woman added, "I would never cheat on Bill Clinton.'" –Conan O'Brien

"The head of the AFL-CIO endorsed John Kerry, saying, 'The time has come to come behind one man, one leader, one candidate.' Then he said, 'And until we find that man, we will endorse John Kerry.'" –Conan O'Brien

"The Democrats are all over this. Democratic strategists feel John Kerry's war record means he can beat Bush. They say when it comes down to it voters will always vote for a war hero over someone who tried to get out of the war. I'll be sure to mention that to Bob Dole when I see him." –Jay Leno

"They had a profile of John Kerry on the news and they said his first wife was worth around $300 million and his second wife, his current wife, is worth around $700 million. So when John Kerry says he's going after the wealthy in this country, he's not just talking. He's doing it!" –Jay Leno

2006-03-02T11:37:00.000-08:00

John Kerry Is A Joke

"Gas prices are up, the stock market is down, Iraq is a mess and John Kerry is saying, 'How am I gonna beat this guy?" —David Letterman

"Bill Clinton has a brand new book coming out in a few months and the Democrats are worried that the Clinton book might upstage the Kerry campaign. I'm thinking, hell, day-old meat loaf could upstage that campaign." —David Letterman

"President Bush said John Kerry is on both sides of every issue. And Kerry replied, 'No, I'm not ... but there is some truth to that.' " —Craig Kilborn

"The prisoner scandal is yet another election year problem for President Bush. And, with the economy still struggling, combat operations in Iraq dragging on, and the 9-11 hearings revealing damning information, even an opponent of limited political skill should be able to capitalize on those problems. The Democrats, however, chose to nominate John Kerry." —Jon Stewart

"John Kerry spent the day reading to preschoolers ... and the kids said Kerry actually lacked warmth and failed to articulate a clear message." —David Letterman

"Lot of people wondering if John Kerry supports gay marriages. Here's a hint ... he gets $1,000 haircuts." —Craig Kilborn

"Courtney Love said she once escorted Kerry to a concert. John Kerry once went out with Courtney Love and he's questioning Bush's judgment." —Jay Leno

"John Kerry will undergo surgery to repair his right shoulder. He originally hurt it when he suddenly switched positions on Iraq." —Craig Kilborn

"Kerry's said all these foreign leaders said they want him to win, but Kerry hasn't even been out of the country in a year and a half, which means the only possible foreign leader he could have met with is Arnold Schwarzenegger." –Jay Leno

"John Kerry said that a lot of world leaders want him to be the president and the Bush administration said, 'Yeah, well, like who?' and John Kerry said, 'Well, I can't say really.' So, now they're really hammering John Kerry and listen to this, the only name he could come up with? Queen Latifah." –David Letterman

"John Kerry is busy trying to raise money right now for his campaign. It was reported today that Kerry's hoping to raise $80 million before the Democratic convention. That's a lot of money. Yeah, Kerry has two ways to raise the $80 million: soliciting Democratic donors and going through his wife's purse." –Conan O'Brien

"John Kerry met with Al Sharpton. Can you see the two of them standing together? It'd look like Abe Lincoln with Ruben from American Idol." –Jay Leno

"Of course, it is still eight months to election day, but the campaign is starting to fall into its own natural rhythm: falsely macho Kerry comment, falsely indignant Bush response." –Jon Stewart

"John Kerry made a mistake of saying something embarrassing while a microphone was on. And now he's been backpedaling. So now he's hired a guy and his sole job is to make sure John Kerry's microphone is off. It's the same guy that used to watch Clinton's fly." –David Letterman

"John Kerry announced that he and his wife are leaving on a week-long vacation. He's going to take her back to the place where he first proposed to her — at her bank." –Jay Leno

"John Kerry said today that he stands by ... his claim that certain foreign leaders have told him that they hope he wins. And George Bush fired back. He said oh yeah, certain Supreme Court justices have told me that I'm going to win." –Jay Leno

"The Secret Service has announced it is doubling its protection for John Kerry. You can understand why — with two positions on every issue, he has twice as many people mad at him." –Jay Leno

"Please, John Kerry, stop rolling up your sleeves like you're about to man a register at Costco. You're a Boston Brahmin who married not one, but two eccentric heiresses. You're not Joe Sixpack; you're Claus Von Bulow." –Bill Maher

"In a speech yesterday John Kerry said that before November he may go to Iraq. Is that a good idea for him to go to Iraq? You thought Bush didn't have a reason to bomb Iraq before." –Jay Leno

"John Kerry speaks French fluently. Democrats are saying he's one in a million. A war hero who speaks French, isn't it more like one in a trillion?" –Jay Leno

2006-02-16T11:29:00.000-08:00

John Kerry Is A Joke

"There was an embarrassing moment at a recent Democratic fundraiser. When John Kerry was handed a $10 million dollar check, he said, 'I do.'" —Craig Kilborn

"'Shrek 2' made over $120 million during its first week. In a related story, John Kerry asked Shrek to marry him." —Conan O'Brien

"John Kerry met with Ralph Nader last week. Both sides of every issue were discussed. And then, Nader spoke." —Jay Leno

"John Kerry and Ralph Nader met face-to-face, it was a historic meeting. Astronomers said today their meeting actually created what is called a 'charisma black hole.'" —Jay Leno

2006-01-22T08:28:00.000-08:00

Late Night Jokes

Leno

According to "USA Today”, John Kerry is positioning himself for another run at the White House in 2008. Kerry said this campaign will be much better than the last one. He says this times he gonna take three positions on each issue.

2006-01-16T11:39:00.000-08:00

John Kerry Is A Joke

"Remember last week when John Kerry wanted to be the second black president since Clinton was considered the first black president. A civil rights leader has come forward and asked him to apologize. He says Kerry is a white man born to privilege and says he has no idea what the black experience is like. Today Kerry said, 'Yo chill out brother, why you dissin' me like that?'" –Jay Leno

John Kerry described his Republican critics as 'the most crooked, lying group I've ever seen.' Now, that's saying something, because Kerry's both a lawyer and a politician." –Jay Leno

"John Kerry was in Florida this week, reaching out and talking with elderly voters. You know, I think it made Kerry a little uncomfortable to be with these elderly people. He finally got a chance to see what he'd look like without Botox." –Jay Leno

"In his big victory speech last night, Senator Kerry said that he wanted to defeat George Bush and the 'economy of privilege.' Then he hugged his wife, Teresa, heir to the multi-million dollar Heinz food fortune." –Jay Leno

"John Kerry announced his plan for how to handle those poor naked prisoners. His wife is going to buy them all a $1,000 Armani suit." —Craig Kilborn

"Kerry was here in Los Angeles. He was courting the Spanish vote by speaking Spanish. And he showed people he could be boring in two languages." —Jay Leno

"President Bush listed his income as $822,000. You know what John Kerry calls someone who earns $822,000? Not even worth dating." —Jay Leno

"John Kerry fell off of his bicycle over the weekend. He went for a Sunday afternoon ride, fell off in front of the news media. Luckily, his hair broke the fall so it's not as serious. ... Thankfully, Senator Kerry was not seriously injured. In fact, when the police arrived, Kerry was well enough to give conflicting reports to the officers about what happened." —Jay Leno

"Please explain to me why John Kerry sounds more dickish telling the truth than Bush sounds when he's lying. How is that possible?" —Jon Stewart

"John Kerry's wife Teresa Heinz is on the cover of Newsweek magazine this week and they said that if he is elected president, she will be the oldest first lady in American history. But that doesn't bother John Kerry, he said, 'To me, she looks like a million bucks'" —Jay Leno

"John Kerry reportedly flew in his private hairdresser before his "Meet the Press" interview for a total cost of $1,000. That's $1,000 for a haircut, which sounds like a lot, but have you seen the size of Kerry's head." —Jay Leno

"Well the good news for Democrats, now over half the country can identify a picture of John Kerry. The bad news, the majority still thinks he's the dad from 'The Munsters."' —Jay Leno

"John Kerry accused President Bush of catering to the rich. You know, as opposed to John Kerry who just marries them." —Jay Leno

"They say John Kerry is the first Democratic presidential candidate in history to raise $50 million in a three-month period. Actually, that's nothing. He once raised $500 million with two words: 'I do.'" —Jay Leno

"Senator Kerry recovering very nicely after having shoulder surgery. The doctors said the senator was fully awake, lucid and joking after the surgery was done, but cautioned that that was just the drug. He went back to his boring self soon afterward." —Jay Leno

2005-11-21T12:20:00.000-08:00

Late-Night Jokes

Leno

John Kerry was in New Orleans. John Kerry wants to help but he can’t connect with the common people. Did you see him surveying the damage? (drop-in video: footage of John Kerry windsurfing)

2005-04-23T03:59:00.000-07:00

Late-Night Jokes

Leno

This morning on the United States Senate floor this morning John Kerry blasted the administration for high gas prices. He said gas is so expensive, he may have to marry Bill Gates.

2005-04-09T04:39:00.000-07:00

Late-Night Jokes

Leno

Senator John Kerry, on crutches today . . . he said he needed arthroscopic knee surgery. Doctors say his knees were strained from all those years of trying to go in two directions at the same time.

2005-03-31T10:47:00.000-08:00

Late-Night Jokes

Conan

The election is over. Bill Clinton has stated that Democrats shouldn’t sit around and whine about the election. He also went on to say, instead Democrats should use the occasion to ask for pity sex.

John Kerry is in the news of course. (Loud cheers) You haven’t seen the news I guess. Friends of John Kerry say he is depressed since the election ended. In fact he’s so down he hasn’t left any of his houses.

Leno

The "New York Post” reports John Kerry and al gore are going to run in 2008. Upon hearing this, President Bush said, "Goody, I can win a third term.”

2005-01-23T04:59:00.000-08:00

Late-Night Jokes

Leno

The inauguration was a very emotional moment. Laura Bush had tears in her eyes, the president’s mom Barbara Bush had tears in her eyes... John Kerry had tears in his eyes.

Letterman

The inauguration was yesterday. I tell you things are really starting to look bad for John Kerry.

Leno

Well it was cold and bitter at the inauguration today, but enough about John Kerry.

Here’s some exciting news - according to the "New York Post”, both Al Gore and John Kerry are thinking of running for president in 2008. Gore and Kerry again! Political experts say it’s too early to tell who would lose bigger!

Did anybody get this week’s "Newsweek”? In this week’s magazine, John Kerry says he didn’t lose the election, he just didn’t win. There’s that clear decisive thinking we all loved about him.

Congratulations to President Bush. He has been named Time magazine’s person of the year. Of course when President Bush heard the news, he was stunned. He said, "I don’t even subscribe to Time magazine."

I still don’t think Bush gets it. Like today he kept asking people, "So where’s Ed McMahon with my big check?"

In a related story, Senator John Kerry was given a free copy of Entertainment Weekly.

2004-11-20T08:28:00.000-08:00

Monumental Task

(Sent to us by Martha Branson of Ga)

We have the distinguished honor of being on the committee to raise $5,000,000 for a monument of John Kerry. We originally wanted to put him on Mt. Rushmore until we discovered there was not enough room for two more faces.

We then decided to erect a statue of Kerry in Washington, DC Hall Of Fame. We were in a quandary as to where the statue should be placed. It was not proper to place it beside the statue of George Washington, who never told a lie, or beside Jesse Jackson, who never told the truth, since John boy could never tell the difference.

We finally decided to place it beside Christopher Columbus, the greatest Democrat of them all. He left not knowing where he was going, and when he got there he did not know where he was. He returned not knowing where he had been, and did it all on someone else's widow's money.

If you are one of the fortunate people who have anything left after taxes, we expect a generous contribution to this worthwhile project.

Thanks to Martha Branson of Ga

2004-11-06T13:37:00.000-08:00

Leno

John Kerry said yesterday, "In an American election, there is no loser." Uh, earth to John!

It’s gotta be tough for John Kerry. You know what must be tough about losing a presidential election? That last day of secret service protection. I mean, do you even get them for the whole day? You know like mid-afternoon you come walking out of the 7-11, "fellas? Bob? Larry?”

Actually President Bush received a very gracious concession call from John Kerry. And a very gracious collect call from Ralph Nader.

You got to feel a little sorry for Kerry. Not only did he lose the presidency, but he was really looking forward to having Teresa Heinz move into one of his houses for a change.

Wow. What a crowd! You sound like Hillary Clinton when she heard John Kerry had lost.

John Kerry would’ve conceded earlier today, but he had to meet with the French, Germans and Russians first. Get their feelings on the whole situation.

It was a very good concession speech. John Kerry said he’d like to wrap us up in his arms and give us each a big hug. Great. NOW he starts campaigning like Bill Clinton ... maybe if he’d done that in the beginning ...

Kerry didn’t take it too good this morning. I understand he was so upset last night he tossed and turned all night in his tanning bed.

Letterman

John Kerry is in real trouble, though. He really needs to win the debate tonight.

Do you remember when Kerry went duck hunting in Ohio a few weeks ago? I think that was a mistake. George Bush easily carried the duck vote.

Now that John Kerry won’t be president, he can go back to being a senator, windsurfing and being a billionaire.

The bad thing is that John Kerry was looking forward to being president for one reason – spending less time with his wife.

Conan

John Kerry gave a concession speech earlier and said that he wanted to hug all of his supporters. Upon hearing this, Ralph Nader said he was able to hug all of his.

Leno

In the last few days it’s really gotten vicious. Like today the Bush campaign accused the Kerry campaign of distorting their deceptions.

Teresa Heinz Kerry said that Laura Bush has never had a real job. Teresa is a translator. She’s been a translator for two years. Hey, let me tell you, Laura Bush has been a translator for the last 35 years!

John Kerry went hunting today. He said he killed a goose. He didn’t bring Teresa along because he was a little rusty and he was afraid he might kill the goose that laid the golden egg.

It’s getting ugly and uglier out there - Teresa Heinz Kerry said she doesn’t know if Laura Bush has ever held a real job. Laura Bush fired back - she said she was busy raising three kids - Barbara, Jenna, and George W. that is a full time job.

Both candidates are trying to scare voters for votes in the last weeks of the campaign. And they’re doing a pretty good job. Voters are petrified that on November 2nd they’re actually going to have to pick one of these guys. What’s scarier than that?

The Kerry campaign announced today they will have "10,000 lawyers at the polls in battle ground states.” 10,000 lawyers. Well, let’s hope you don’t slip and fall on the sidewalk outside a polling place. You could be buried alive in business cards.

Neither Bush or Kerry have gotten a flu shot and both said today they won’t get one. Ralph Nader also said he wasn’t getting a flu shot. Though in his case he doesn’t need one, because he doesn’t come in contact with any large crowds.

Letterman

In Ohio today John Kerry was duck hunting. This was all part of his pledge to hunt down the ducks and kill them.

He came back with two ducks and four purple hearts.

This is all part of John Kerry’s plan to appeal to hunters. So what he did was got drunk and shot his buddy in the ass.

Conan

In Ohio today John Kerry went duck hunting. President Bush quickly said it was just a photo opt. The strange thing was that Bush said this while in a flight suit on an aircraft carrier.

2004-10-22T08:08:00.000-07:00

White House 2005

(Sent to us by Alice and Harold Wood)

One sunny day in 2005, an old man approached the White House from
across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench.

He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in
and meet with President Kerry."

The Marine replied, "Sir, Mr. Kerry is not President and doesn't
reside here."

The old man said, "Okay," And walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House, and said
to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President
Kerry"

The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Kerry is
not President and doesn't reside here."

The man thanked him and again walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to
the very same Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with
President Kerry."

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man
and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking
to speak to Mr. Kerry. I've told you already that Mr. Kerry is not the
President and doesn't reside here. Don't you understand?"

The old man answered, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it.

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you
tomorrow."

Thanks to Alice and Harold Wood of Ga

2004-10-22T08:06:00.000-07:00

Making People Happy

(Sent to Us By Ed and Norma Bzdyk)

Bill and Hillary Clinton and John Kerry are flying on Kerry's wife's
private jet. Bill looks at Hillary, chuckles and says, "You know, I could
throw a $100.00 bill out the window right now and make somebody very happy."

Hillary shrugs her shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten 10.00
bills out the window and make 10 people very happy."

Kerry says, "Of course then, I could throw one-hundred $1.00 bills out
the window and make a hundred people very happy."

The pilot rolls his eyes, looks at all of them and says to his co-pilot, I
could throw all of them out the window and make this whole country happy!

Thanks to Ed and Norma Bzdyk Of Milledgeville Ga

2004-10-22T08:05:00.000-07:00

The Robot Barber

(Sent to Us By Martha Harrison From Her Cousin Larry Wilkes)

A new barber shop opened in Troy and everybody was talking about it. The buzz is because it has a robot barber.

Well, you know ole Byron, he decides he has to see this for himself. So he goes in and sits in the chair. Sure enough, a robot is cutting hair. Byron specifies his cut style, and the robot asks him his IQ.

Byron replies 150. With that, the robot begins discussing particle physics, the development of hydrogen power cells and global warming.

Byron thought this was pretty impressive. But he wondered what would happen if he didn't claim to be quite as smart. So, a week later, he goes right back in there and climbs in the chair for another trim. Again, the robot asks him his IQ.

This time Byron tells him it's 100. So the robot starts discussing football, basketball and the proper way to grill a steak.

This was really something. And as always, Byron wants to know just how good this robot really is. Yep, you guessed it, the very next week Byron is in the chair getting what's left of his hair cut even shorter. (By this time his hair is almost gone.) Again, the robot asks him his IQ.

This time he tells the robot his IQ is 50. The robot asks, "So, are you Democrats excited about the Kerry-Edwards ticket?"

(Thanks to Martha Harrison Of Utah And Her Cousin Larry Wilkes)

2004-10-22T08:01:00.000-07:00

Heaven's Clock

(Sent to Us By Ed and Norma Bzdyk)

A man died and went to heaven.

As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge
wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a
Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that
she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have
moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's Senator Kerry's clock?" asked the man.

"Kerry's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

Thanks to Ed and Norma Bzdyk Of Milledgeville Ga

2004-10-22T07:08:00.000-07:00

Leno

Although Bush said he wasn’t getting a flu shot, Kerry got a flu shot yesterday. And out of force of habit, the doctor gave him the shot between those two wrinkles in his forehead.

John Kerry said today that Bush was planning a "January surprise” if he’s reelected. Hey if we know who’s going to be president by January that will be a surprise, don’t you think?

Some people are now saying the questions at the end of the debate actually helped John Kerry because they made him look more human - well, that and taking the bolt out of his neck.

While in Las Vegas yesterday, John Kerry met with the AARP. They were having their convention. Kerry gave a speech, and then Kerry introduced his retirement plan…his wife, Teresa.

Both Bush and Kerry were campaigning in Las Vegas yesterday...you know it’d be great if the candidates who went to Vegas, stayed in Vegas.

Letterman

The campaign trail is getting rough. Just today John Kerry really shook things up by introducing his own lesbian daughter to the country.

Leno

In an interview in USA Today, Teresa Heinz Kerry said she didn’t think Laura Bush, who was a public school librarian for nine years, had ever held a "real job." Let me tell you something. If you’re a librarian married to George W. Bush, there is no harder job on Earth.

Teresa Heinz Kerry’s defenders said, oh, she just says those things once in a while because she’s "eccentric." You know what eccentric means? It’s when someone is crazy but they're rich. Like you never see an eccentric homeless guy. The old guy urinating in the street? "Oh, he’s just eccentric." Just a funny, wacky guy.

And the rumor is that it’ll be like the last time. Kerry will win the popular vote and Bush will win the electoral votes. And they say Americans could spend weeks not knowing who’s really president, Bush or Kerry. Hey, is that so bad? We spent the last 4 years not really knowing who is president, Bush or Cheney.

Candidates are using a lot of boxing metaphors. President Bush kept quoting boxer Joe Louis "You can run but you can’t hide”. John Kerry quoted Mohammed Ali "Is that all you got?” And today Ralph Nader quoted Mike Tyson "I’m broke.”

In the debate, stern-faced John Kerry looked like he was at a funeral while smiling President Bush just looked giddy. It was like a before and after ad for Prozac.

John Kerry’s a little carried away. Today he blamed the eruption of Mt. St. Helen on President Bush. He said when he’s president, he’ll hold a summit of all the volcanoes in the world, "Mt. Fuji, Mt. Etna, Mt. Vesuvius…and build a coalition of volcanoes. They will pass a volcano test.”

Bush said, to help with the flu vaccine shortage this year, he’s not going to get a flu shot. Then he coughed and shook John Kerry’s hand four times.

President Bush and Senator Kerry had their final debate last night. They were going after the undecided vote, unfortunately the undecideds were watching baseball.

John Kerry took a lot of flack for a statement he made in the "New York Times” on Sunday. He said we need to get back to the days when terrorism was not our main focus but just a nuisance like prostitution. And 500 Democrats immediately fired back; "since when is prostitution a nuisance?” It’s only when the girl doesn’t have change, that’s the only time.

I read today in the times that John Kerry has now received the endorsement from the national marijuana party. Well good luck getting those people out to the polls! Yeah that should be no problem.

Some undecided voters are saying they wish they could mix Bush and Kerry together. Oh that would be the perfect candidate, a boring guy who trips over his words.

Both sides are using every angle. Like they just released x-rays that show shrapnel still lodged in John Kerry’s leg from Vietnam, so the white house is fighting back. They're releasing x-rays of bits of pretzel lodged in the back of President Bush's throat.

The big vice presidential debate between Dick Cheney and John Edwards. It’s the heartthrob vs. the throbbing heart.

Some good news from watching the debates - the terror alert on John Kerry’s face has been lowered from orange back down to pasty white. He’s pasty white again.

I saw it on the cover of "Newsweek” today, and ABC, CNN, they all said that John Kerry won the debate the other night. I just hope this doesn’t give him a swelled head.

Pundits also said that Bush seemed unprepared and looked tired. They said what Bush needs to do is two things – study videos of John Kerry speaking and get some sleep. And the nice thing is he can do both of those at the same time.

Letterman

Did you have a nice weekend? Did you watch the debate last week? Wasn’t it unbelievable? John Kerry is so confident now he is back to wind surfing.

Leno

How many watched the presidential debate ? Or, as the networks were calling it: "Rich White Guy Survivor".

The first question went to John Kerry because he won the coin toss. Well duh. His wife owns all the coins.

2004-10-01T09:18:00.000-07:00

Leno

They say this debate is already helping the economy. In fact, millions of people are buying large screen TV sets so they can see Kerry’s entire head.

Letterman

Welcome to the show. This just in. CBS says they can not vouch for the authenticity of John Kerry’s tan.

Leno

Debates experts say President Bush could win if he doesn’t get off message. But John Kerry could win if he gets a message.

First he gets the Botox. Now he’s got the rich tan. Apparently the senator’s confused. The Miss America Pageant was last week. This is the presidential debates. In fact it was reported today Kerry got a bikini wax.

A New York company has made a video game that re-enacts John Kerry's war career. Players pretend they're Kerry, on a swift boat in Vietnam. Wasn't there already some game based on John Kerry's life? Oh, yeah, "Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire?”

Forbes” magazine has released its latest list of the richest 400 Americans. The richest woman on the list is Alice Walton, she’s worth 18 billion dollars. Or as John Kerry calls her – the one who got away.

You know what’s interesting, both candidates now are trying to lower expectations for how they’ll do on the debates. For example Kerry tried to lower expectations for himself by saying "Bush has never lost a debate and that he is a formable opponent.” Then Bush lowered expectations for himself when he said, "hey what does formable mean?”

Teresa Heinz Kerry predicted at a fundraiser the other day that Osama bin Laden will be captured just before the election. Of course when President Bush heard he was furious. He said, "How did she find out?”

Letterman

There are some rules in the debates. The candidates for example must stand at least ten feet apart. They must not address each other directly. It’s the same rules in the John Kerry and Teresa Heinz pre-nup agreement.

Leno

John Kerry is still fighting a bad head cold. And with his head, that could last for years.

Yesterday President Bush gave a major speech about Iraq and today John Kerry gave a major speech about Iraq. Do you know what this means—the war in Vietnam may finally be over.

This year there are 50 women on the "Forbes” 400 richest list. Or as John Kerry calls that, his little black book.

Letterman

John Kerry has been making changes to his campaign staff. Today he fired his wife and hired Heather Locklear.

Kerry has gotten rid of a bunch of people. He’s now brought in a bunch from the Clinton team. These Clinton guys are good! It’s amazing what they can do. The first thing they did for Kerry was get him a chubby intern.

Leno

John Kerry says if he’s elected president, he will go to the U.N. and persuade the other nations to help fight the War on Terror. We can’t get them to pay their parking tickets. Why don’t you start with that?

John Kerry will debate President Bush in Florida. Right now Kerry has a bad cold, you can barely understand what he’s saying, so it looks like it should be a fair fight.

In fact his voice is so bad, doctors have advised him to rest his throat and only give one position on each issue for awhile.

Last night John Kerry said George Bush was incompetent in handling of Iraq and President Bush said that John Kerry can’t make up his mind. You know what’s really scary - they’re both right.

Opposite the Emmys, NBC showed "Titanic”. I saw a ship coming down, I thought it was the Kerry campaign.

President Bush still continuing to lead in the polls. In fact when John Kerry was told the latest poll numbers, he called President Clinton again. Not for advice, just to make sure he had his vote. "You’re still with me right?”

Did you know John Kerry is going to be appearing on "Dr. Phil” next week. Is that how bad his campaign is going? He needs grief counseling now?

2004-09-21T04:06:00.000-07:00

Leno

Yesterday John Kerry was in Las Vegas, George Bush was there Tuesday, and Ralph Nader will be in Vegas tomorrow. He’s not addressing anyone, he’s just going to the star trek experience at the Vegas Hilton!

Bush and Cheney say they are targeting people who can’t make up their mind. So they’re hoping to get John Kerry’s vote.

Senator Ted Kennedy hitting the campaign trail with John Kerry. You know what they say – two huge heads are better than one.

In Vegas today Kerry accused Bush of "living in a fantasy world.” And everyone in Vegas immediately said, "So? Duh!”

Here’s some trivia - the TV show "Green Acres” debuted on this day in 1965. It was a very funny show about a stuffy pompous lawyer and his rich wife with the foreign accent. Or as John Kerry and his wife call them, trailblazers.

John Kerry campaigned in Wisconsin today. It was reported he had a huge cheese head on. Turns out that was his actual head.

As you know, we've been having some wild weather, and that could affect the vote on Election Day. For example: if there's a hurricane in Texas, Kerry could win. If there's a rainstorm in Massachusetts, Bush could win. And if it "snows in hell”, Ralph Nader will win.

Boy there is nothing but disasters on the news – Hurricane Frances, Hurricane Ivan, the Kerry campaign.

According to the latest crime statistics, crime in the U.S. is at a 30 year low. It’s the lowest it’s been since 1972. Today John Kerry blamed this on President Bush. He said, "See even criminals are having a hard time finding jobs to pull off.”

Today John Kerry’s unveiled his newest campaign slogan... "A mind is a terrible thing to makeup.”

One thing about Kerry - Kerry just can’t seem to shake his rich guy image. Like today he challenged President Bush to three debates and a yacht race.

I watched "That 70’s Show” last night. Or as we call it the Bush and Kerry Campaign.

Teresa Heinz Kerry said today that only an idiot would fail to support her husband’s health care plan. See I’m confused. I thought she was John Kerry’s health care plan, his economic plan and his retirement plan.

According to a global poll, if the world could vote for President of the United States they would choose John Kerry over George Bush. However when you widen the poll to the federation of planets, Ralph Nader wins.

According to this poll, China overwhelmingly said they would vote for Kerry. China? They can’t even vote in their own country. Shut up!

Here’s the interesting part – these countries said they would choose John Kerry over George Bush even though most people polled had no idea what John Kerry stands for. So in that way, I guess they’re just like Americans.

Letterman

John Kerry is saying that the "W” in George W. Bush stands for "wrong”. This still doesn’t explain what John Kerry stands for.

Leno

As you know, Kerry is now behind Bush in the polls, so he’s trying to reach out to more people. I guess the Kerry campaign has been experimenting with new slogans. They sound kind of familiar. Have you heard his latest one? "Did somebody say Vietnam”?

Letterman

Pundits say John Kerry’s message is garbled. You know it’s bad when you’re running against Bush and your message is garbled.

Leno

John Kerry called Bill Clinton Saturday night at the hospital. They said that Clinton talked to Kerry for 90 minutes giving him advice. Clinton reportedly told Kerry to stop talking about Vietnam. Not during the campaign. Just during the phone call. "Will you stop? I’m in the hospital.”

Today John Kerry rushed to the hospital with chest pains after seeing his latest poll numbers. Oh man, doesn’t look good.

Bush is up 10 points, 11 points. Doesn’t look good. Not only is Bush ahead overall, he’s also ahead in a lot of key issues like Iraq, terrorism and the economy. But Kerry is ahead on grammar and pronunciation, and overall nuance.

John Kerry has a new theme to his campaign, he says the "W” in George W. Bush stands for "wrong”. The wrong direction, the wrong policy. Gee I wonder if Bush will say the "F” in John "F” Kerry stands for "flip-flop”. Are these guys running for president of the 8th grade?

Letterman

Are you getting excited about the elections? John Kerry is slipping in the polls. He’s starting to lose confidence and you can tell because at campaign stops he’s now saying, "I’m just thrilled to be nominated.” That’s it, just thrilled to be nominated.

Leno

Did you read this strange story – a woman was caught trying to pass a counterfeit $200 bill that had a picture of George W. Bush on it. Turns out there was also a John Kerry bill. It’s pretty realistic. Kerry’s on both sides.

And of course the big story – it looks like both John Kerry and Bill Clinton both have purple hearts.

John Kerry held a midnight rally in Ohio right after the Republican Convention...John Kerry giving a speech at midnight - how hard was it to stay awake at that?

Today John Kerry campaigned in 3 states. Anger, denial, and bruiting indecision.

John Kerry keeping a low profile this week. He said he wanted to get away and go someplace where no one would expect to see him. So I guess he showed up at his old seat in the senate. Nobody’s going to look for him there.

Letterman

Here’s some important news. The U.S. is bracing for its third hurricane this year. When John Kerry heard this he said, "This is proof that President Bush is losing the war on weather.”

Leno

Did you see the pictures in the paper today of John Kerry windsurfing? He’s at his home in Nantucket this week, doing his favorite thing, windsurfing. Even his hobby depends on which way the wind blows.

Letterman

John Kerry spent yesterday wind surfing – because when you’re in a statistical dead heat you just want to kick back and relax.

Leno

In the latest issue of "GQ” magazine, John Kerry talks about what a man should look for in a woman. "GQ”? If John Kerry is going to talk about what he likes in a woman, shouldn’t it be in "Fortune” or "Money” magazine?

Yesterday Vice President Dick Cheney attacked John Kerry. He said that John Kerry "lacks deeply held convictions". Today Kerry shot back, he said, "That's not completely true."

The opening ceremony also featured these giant statues. Did you see them? I saw this one giant statue with an enormous 40 foot head, and then I realized it was the new John Kerry campaign commercial.

2004-08-28T14:05:00.000-07:00

Three Texas Surgeons

(Sent to Us By Ed and Norma Bzdyk)

Three Texas surgeons were having lunch together and discussing
surgeries they had performed. One of them said, "I'm the best
Surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an
accident, I reattached them and 8 months later he performed a
private concert for the Queen of England."

One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost both
arms and legs in a terrible accident, I reattached them and 2
years later he won 2 gold medals in field events in the Olympics."

The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago
a guy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on
into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with
was the horse's ass and the guy's mouth. Now he's running as
the Democrat Candidate for President of the United States."

Thanks to Ed and Norma Bzdyk Of Milledgeville Ga

2004-08-14T06:00:00.000-07:00

Leno

Let's see what's going on with the Democrats, John and Teresa - or as they're called now, Cash and Kerry...

According to the Drudge Report, John Kerry and his wife had a huge argument after the campaign rally in Arizona on Sunday night and had to sleep in separate hotel rooms. So apparently they're going after the Clinton vote.

Apparently what happened, while they were having an intimate moment Kerry accidentally yelled out the name "John Edwards".

According to the papers today, John Kerry said today as president he would remove a large number of our troops from Iraq within the first six months. Well that's smart, don't you think, in a war it's always a good idea to tell the other side when and what your plans are. Like in football, "We're going to fake a field goal."

John Kerry was at the Grand Canyon yesterday. He said he wanted to go some place that made his head look smaller.

John Kerry met with leaders of the Navajo Indian Tribe over the weekend. Kerry said the Indian people have been disrespected in the past, and, under his administration they will be treated with the dignity and reverence that they deserve. Then he got in his Jeep Cherokee and drove away.

Conan

John Kerry recently went to the Grand Canyon. He said that he hasn't seen a crevess that big since he shaved.

Leno

John Kerry has crticized President Bush's reaction on 9/11. John Kerry said if he were reading to children at that moment he would have told then he had something important to attend to. Let me tell you something - if John Kerry was reading to children, first he would have to wake them up. "Kids I gotta go now...kids?!...kids?!"

John Kerry embarked on an 1,800 mile train trip through several key battleground states. 1,800 miles on a train - that is the longest Kerry has even gone without changing direction.

You know the Kerrys and the Edwards went to Wendy's the other day for lunch - made a big deal about it. "We're regular people going to Wendy's..." But when they got back to their bus, they secretly had a gourmet meal delivered from a nearby yacht club. So I guess there really are two Americas...and they don't like the food of the poor one.

This weekend, John Kerry is going to meet with the leaders of the Navajo Indian Tribe. They like Kerry because his head reminds them of a totem pole.

Did you hear about this? John Kerry spoke to a crowd of people in Iowa near a cornfield for a half hour – a half hour before everyone realized it was a scarecrow.

Political experts continue to be baffled over John Kerry’s failure to get a bump in popularity after the Democratic Convention. Jimmy Carter got a bump in 1976. Ronald Reagan received a bump in 1980. And Bill Clinton not only got a bump in 1992, he got a bump and a grind.

Some bad news for John Kerry coming out of the Democratic Convention. The balloons didn’t fall, but apparently his poll numbers did.

Did you hear about this? It’s the first time since 1972 that a candidate didn’t get a bump from their convention. In fact not only didn’t Kerry get a bump but President Bush gained 4 percentage points. And today Bush asked Kerry if he would speak at the Republican Convention too.

Obviously the Democrats are very proud of John Kerry’s service record, as we all should be and they chose those words very carefully. "Decorated war hero”. That’s what they always say when they describe John Kerry. "Decorated war hero.” Here’s why – that appeals to women. War – that’s for the men. Men relate to war. "Decorated” see that gets the gay vote.

Did you watch John Kerry’s speech? Kerry started out his speech by saying "I’m John Kerry and I’m reporting for duty.” And President Bush said "Great!” and sent him to Iraq.

John Kerry broke out his "secret weapon” – a personality.

Kerry said he was really looking forward to giving the speech. Apparently, he said he couldn’t wait to find out what his policies were.

They showed a little montage of his life and in the film they showed a picture of a young John Kerry when he was in a rock band and explained why he did it. He said it was a great way to meet girls. Today President Clinton called him and said, "Hey if you think that’s a great way to meet girls, wait’ll you become president.”

I learned an interesting little bit of trivia about John Kerry. Did you know he was once a soldier in Vietnam? Has that been mentioned before?

John Edwards also had some tough words for Osama bin Laden. He said, "We will destroy you.” Then he said "And if that doesn’t work, we’ll sue your ass.”

Letterman

Everything was exciting. To unwind after the convention John Kerry got together with some of his Vietnam buddies to pull a casino heist.

Did you see Teresa Heinz-Kerry? Her family makes the red bottle ketchup. She’s also the youngest Gabore sister.

Teresa also has a book out. It’s called "It Takes a Villa”.

Leno

On Friday, it was John Edwards wedding anniversary, Edwards, Kerry and their wives all stopped at a Wendy’s to eat. That’s a tradition with the Edwards to always go to Wendy’s on their anniversary because that’s where they went on their first date so they brought the Kerry’s with them. I don’t want to say that Kerry’s wife Teresa had never been to a Wendy’s before, but she ordered the pheasant.

You know this weekend John Kerry was yelling "help is on the way”, no I’m sorry that was Mike Tyson’s trainer trying to get him off the matt.

Did you all see the problems they had with the balloons that were supposed to cascade down onto the stage after the democratic convention? Apparently they got held up. A stagehand was supposed to pull on the lever that dropped the balloons, but he didn’t do it. Finally Teresa Heinz had to get up there and yell at him "shove it…..just shove it.”

John Edwards gave his speech last night and I thought he did a great job considering he was a last minute replacement for John McCain.

In fact Edwards speech was so good, when he finished, the delegates awarded him $80 million plus punitive damages.

Edwards said there are "two Americas”. And then later in the speech, he announced if John Kerry is elected president, they’ll open a third America maybe out near Anaheim possibly…one by Six Flags

We’re learning more and more about potential first lady Teresa Heinz Kerry. Very well educated woman. Did you know that? In fact she can say "shove it” in five different languages.

John Kerry said he would never criticize his wife. When reporters asked him why, he said he had over a billion reasons.

Kilborn

John Edwards was asked to describe what it was like to be around John Kerry and he said, "He’s strong, he’s decisive, and he hogs the covers.”

Leno

I tell ya, I was sweating like John Kerry trying to get a personality before Thursday’s big speech.

I’m sure you saw this on the news last night the convention center was surrounded by police, FBI, they had sharpshooters on every roof top, security was tighter than John Kerry’s face after a Botox injection.

As you know Teresa Heinz has been taking criticism for telling a reporter to "shove it” the other day. Can you blame Teresa Heinz really? I mean what’s the point of having a billion dollars if you can’t tell someone to "shove it”. Not a lot of minimum wage people going "shove it”!

Did you see Kerry trying to throw out the first pitch at the Red Sox – Yankees game the other night. It didn’t even make it all the way to the plate. In fact, his pitch was so weak, today he was offered a contract with the Arizona Diamondbacks.

Leno

John Kerry threw out the first ball before last night’s Yankees-Red Sox game in Boston. You probably saw that. In fact, Kerry asked "Where do you want me on the field? I can take any position.”

The Democrats opened their convention in Boston. I can’t wait to find out who they’re going to nominate. It’s so exciting!

John Kerry decided on the new party slogan, "The Democratic Party - love it or shove it”.

Teresa Heinz Kerry, Kerry’s wife, got mad at a reporter, told a reporter to "shove it”. It’s a shame how the one America talks to the other America. I wish these two Americas could just get together and iron out their differences.

This has not been a good year for political quotes. When I was a kid, I remember John F. Kennedy, "Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country.” And those were great quotes. What do we have this year? We had "Shove it”, "girlie men”, and Dick Cheney saying "go f yourself.”

The Kerry Campaign said that Kerry will show his "softer” side for the convention. We’ve already seen him and John Edwards fondling each other. How much softer than that can you get? What’s next? The two of them spooning now?

In "ESPN” magazine, John Kerry said he’s learned a lot about life from playing sports. He had to fight! Yeah like so many other kids in impoverished areas who turn to polo as a way out.

In an interview with ESPN magazine, John Kerry says he learned about life from playing sports...Of course, the most frustrating thing about playing sports for John Kerry - finding a helmet that fits.

One of John Kerry’s advisors, Sandy Berger, who was also President Clinton’s National Security Advisor, has stepped down while he’s the target of a criminal investigation. It seems he’s charged with putting classified documents in his pants and sneaking them out of the national archives. In Washington, that’s what’s called "inside the beltway”.

In his defense, he said he didn’t stuff the documents into his pants for security reasons. He said he did it just to impress girls.

This way when girls would say to him, "Hey what’s that bulge in your pants?” He could say, "It’s classified.”

2004-07-17T04:44:00.000-07:00

Leno

John Kerry spoke to NAACP today. And you know you could tell he was pandering, he said the first thing he would do as president was give a full pardon to Whoopie Goldberg.

John Kerry talked about how there were two Americas. He said he knew there were two Americas because every night he has to drive through one America on his way home every night to his America.

Senator John Edwards made his first solo campaign appearance since he was added to the ticket yesterday in Iowa. Apparently, it went so well that Edwards is now thinking of dropping Kerry from the ticket.

How ‘bout Kerry and Edwards, that little honeymoon there? Did you see them tossing that football back and forth all week? "Weeee! Weeee!” I tell you, it’s kind of refreshing to see two Democrats tossing the pigskin instead of fondling it.

Kerry and Edwards are traveling around the country with their big "hands across each other” tour.

Teresa Heinz said on "60 Minutes” Sunday that it was important for her and Elizabeth Edwards to keep their husband honest. Afterwards Hillary Clinton said "Good luck….let me know how that works out….let me know how it’s going”.

Have you been watching Kerry and Edwards on the campaign trial? These guys have done more hugging in four days than Bill and Hillary have done in 26 years?

Kerry is hoping that Edwards will bring in a lot of the female vote because of the way he looks. So Cheney and Edwards are both going after voter’s hearts…but Cheney is looking for a donor.

John Edwards said he was humbled when John Kerry asked him to be his vice presidential running mate. I guess so. You know what’s really humbling? When Ralph Nader asks you to be his vice president. In fact, that’s not even humbling - ego-shattering.

John Kerry says that John Edwards is ready to be vice president. Ready? It takes a blue suite and pulse to be ready!

Well good news for John Edwards, it’s been 24 hours and John Kerry hasn’t changed his mind…..so it’s going to hold…it’s still holding…

It now turns out John Kerry is twice as rich as previously thought. Remember they thought his wife was worth $500 million? Turns out now she’s worth almost a billion! Today President Bush said, see this is proof his tax cuts are working.

That explains why Kerry picked Edwards. Kerry is worth a billion and Edwards is worth $50 million so this way they represent both the haves and the really haves.

Letterman

Are you excited about the Republican and Democratic Conventions this summer? The keynote speakers for the Democratic Convention have been announced. There’s Al Gore, Dick Gephardt and Joe Lieberman. Side effects may include boredom, sleepiness and sexual dysfunction.

John Kerry chose John Edwards to be his running mate. I haven’t seen this much electricity since Dole-Kemp.

John Kerry skipped a meeting over Homeland Security with Tom Ridge because he was too busy. John Kerry told Tom Ridge he was too busy to attend. You’re not supposed to ignore terror threats until after you become president.

This John Kerry and John Edwards ticket is going better than expected. The two have been everywhere together. In fact today they went to Massachusetts and got married.

Conan

In New York City John Kerry played "This Land Is Your Land On Guitar” while many celebrities sang it with him. Later Kerry admitted that much of this land is owned by his wife.

It’s being reported that John Kerry and John Edwards are together worth more a half billion dollars. According to John Kerry and John Edwards that they are so rich now they are going to vote Republican.

The attacks have already started — John Edwards is too inexperienced to be president, he’s too flashy, he’s not up to the job. And those are just the things John Kerry said in the primary.

John Kerry said, "I can’t tell you how proud I am to have John Edwards on my team”, especially after John McCain turned me down.

The "New York Post” this morning published an edition where they wrote that Kerry chose Dick Gephardt. They had it on the front page. Apparently the post blamed their new researcher – Jayson Blair.

The "New York Post” reported John Kerry chose Dick Gephardt. But at the last second, John Kerry decided to go with a candidate with eyebrows.

Kilborn

Last night on Jeopardy Ken Jennings won a million dollars. That is the most money won by a man since John Kerry said, "I do.”

You know about John Kerry’s wife? Theresa Heinz of the Heinz ketchup family. She’s worth more than what we thought. She’s worth a billion dollars! How much ketchup are we using?!

2004-06-29T02:21:00.000-07:00

Apache Nation Names Kerry "Running Eagle"

(Sent to Us By Martha Harrison)

During a campaign tour of the Apache Nation, Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry said he had a plan to increase every Native American's income by $40,000 a year.

Senator Kerry refused repeated requests for details of his plan, however, he also told the Apaches that during his Senate career, he has voted YES 9,637 times for every Indian issue ever introduced.

Before his departure, the Apache Tribe presented the Presidential candidate a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name, "Running Eagle".

After Kerry left, tribal officials explained that Running Eagle is a bird so full of sh*t it can't fly!!

(Thanks to Martha Harrison Of Utah)

2004-06-26T15:35:00.000-07:00

Leno

John Kerry has called for an increase in the minimum wage. He said people out there are struggling and you can't always fix the problem by marrying a rich woman.

John Kerry has been interviewing possible vice presidential candidates. It’s not an easy process. For each question john asks the candidate the candidate is expected to have two answers.

Everybody thought the Lakers would win. Even John Kerry said he rooted for the Lakers before he rooted against them.

President Bush got some good economic news today: over a million new jobs created in the past four months.

That actually hurts John Kerry, because he’s looking for a vice presidential running mate, and let’s face it, that’s usually someone who’s unemployed and desperate.

Conan

John Kerry was asked to describe his wife in three words. Not surprisingly he said, "My meal ticket.”

John Kerry appeared on MTV and in an effort to reach out to MTV viewers he said the rap and hip hop intrigue him. He also went on to add that one day he hopes to meet them both.

2004-06-14T04:13:00.000-07:00

John Kerry in the middle

(Sent to Us By Ed and Norma Bzdyk)

A guy was traveling through Mexico on vacation when, lo and behold, he lost his wallet and all identification.

Cutting his trip short, he attempts to make his way home but is stopped by the Customs Agent at the border.

"May I see your identification, please?" asks the agent. "I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replies the guy.

"Sure, buddy, I hear that every day. No ID, no crossing the border," says the agent.

"But I can prove that I'm an American!" he exclaims.

"I have a picture of Ronald Reagan tattooed on one butt cheek and a picture of George Bush on the other."

"This I've gotta see," replies the agent. With that, Joe drops his pants and bends over in front of the agent.

"By golly, you're right!" exclaims the agent. "Go on home to Boston."

"Thanks!" he says. "But how did you know I was from Boston?"

The agent replies, "I recognized the picture of John Kerry - in the middle."

Thanks to Ed and Norma Bzdyk Of Milledgeville Ga

2004-06-13T05:42:00.000-07:00

2004 Democratic National Convention -- Official Program

(Sent to Us By Ed and Norma Bzdyk)

6:00pm - Opening flag burning ceremony.

6:15pm - Condemnation of prayer -Separation of State from Religion Speech

6:30pm - Anti-war rally no. 1.

6:40pm - Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.

7:00pm - Tribute theme to France.

7:10pm - Collect offerings for al-Zawahri defense fund.

7:25pm - Tribute theme to Spain.

7:45pm - Anti-war rally no. 2. (Moderated by Michael Moore)

8:25pm - Ted Kennedy proposes a toast.

8:29pm - Somebody calls AA and they come and drag Senator to their meeting.

8:30pm - Terrorist appeasement workshop.

9:00pm - Gay marriage ceremony.

9:30pm - * Intermission *

Caucasuses on anti-business, pro-socialism, growing the government, protecting the cock roaches, ban the SUVs, ban all form or recreation, etc.

10:00pm - Flag burning ceremony no. 2.

10:15pm - Re-enactment of Kerry's fake medal toss.

10:30pm - Cameo by Dean 'Yeeearrrrrrrg!'

10:50pm - Pledge of allegiance to the UN.

11:00pm - Double gay marriage cermony.

11:15pm - Maximizing Welfare workshop.

11:30pm - 'Free Saddam' pep rally.

11:59pm - Ted Kennedy returns and proposes another toast.

12:00pm - Nominations from floor for candidate. Ted Kennedy nominates Bush. AA is called again.

12:15am - Condemnation of prayer speech.

Thanks to Ed and Norma Bzdyk Of Milledgeville Ga

2004-06-11T12:27:00.000-07:00

Leno

John Kerry has a new 757 jet to use while he campaigns for president ... did you see it on the news? This is a really cool plane. In the event that Kerry starts speaking, oxygen masks fall from the ceiling to keep people awake.

Kerry told reporters it’s not his plane, "It belongs to my wife."

"American Idol” received a record 65 million votes. 65 million votes! And today Bush and Kerry both started singing lessons.

A lot of people voted twice. Today John Kerry said he actually voted for Diana before he voted for Fantasia.

How many have see that "Harry Potter" movie? It made $93 million over the weekend. The last time a magical young man made that kind of money, he married Teresa Heinz!

In order to honor former President Ronald Reagan, Senator John Kerry has suspended his presidential campaign for five days. Ralph Nader also announced that he’s suspending his campaign ... not because of Reagan, he just doesn’t have any supporters.

2004-05-27T02:27:00.000-07:00

Kilborn

John Kerry just got a $10 million 757 for travel for his campaign. If you have a 757 do you really need to be president?

The 757 weighs 30 tons and can land on the fence.

Conan

”Shrek 2” made $128 million in its first week. In a related story John Kerry has asked Shrek to marry him.

Leno

John Kerry met with Ralph Nader last week. Both sides of every issue were discussed. And then, Nader spoke.

First Kerry fell off his bike, and now Bush fell off his. Can’t we get a man who can pedal a bicycle and be president at the same time?

"Shrek 2” made $104 million this weekend. That is the most money taken in on one weekend since John Kerry’s honeymoon.

I heard today that John Kerry and President Bush may be getting together soon. The bad news, it’s to ride bicycles together.

Bush’s bike accident was different from John Kerry’s accident: Bush fell when he tried turning too hard to the right; Kerry fell when he kept switching gears.

First Kerry, now Bush, you know if Ralph Nader could just stay away from sporting equipment for the next 4 or 5 months, he could win this election by default.

Letterman

Over the weekend President Bush fell off his bicycle. That happened to John Kerry too. The only thing Clinton ever fell off of was an intern.

2004-05-17T07:10:00.000-07:00

Leno

This Sunday John Kerry is coming to Vegas to give a speech and campaign. John Kerry giving a speech…..finally, something exciting to do in this town!

As you might have heard? Courtney Love says she once escorted John Kerry to a concert. John Kerry once went out with Courtney Love? And he questions President Bush’s judgment.?

2004-05-08T15:08:00.000-07:00

Kerry and the Puppie

John Kerry was out jogging one morning, when he came to an apartment complex.

Sitting outside on the steps was a cute little girl with a big box.

As Kerry jogged closer, he could see that the box was full of adorable puppies.

He went to the little girl and said "Awww...those are the cutest puppies"

The little girl said "These aren't puppies. I call them Democrats."

Kerry thought this was really cute and said "Well, that's so sweet!"

A few days later, Teresa was jogging with John Kerry when they came to the same building with the little girl outside.

The girl was still there with the box. John nudged Teresa and said "Watch this."

He asked the little girl, "What have you got there? Puppies?"

The little girl shook her head and said "No, not puppies, I call them Republicans."

Kerry was shocked. He said "But I thought you said they were Democrats???"

The little girl said "Well, they were...but now they've got their eyes open!!"

2004-05-08T14:53:00.000-07:00

No Great Loss

John Kerry is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a "tragedy."

One little boy stands up and offers that, "If my best friend who lives next door is playing in the street when a car came by and killed him, that would be a tragedy."

"No," Kerry says, "That would be an ACCIDENT."

A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone inside...that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explains Kerry. "That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS."

The room is silent; none of the other children dare volunteer.

"What?" asks Kerry, "Isn't there anyone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says: "If an airplane carrying John and Teresa Kerry was blown up by a bomb, *that* would be a tragedy."

"Wonderful!" Kerry beams. "Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss!"

2004-05-08T14:29:00.000-07:00

Horses A**

A guy is sitting at a bar and orders a drink. At the same time the TV go's on and there is John Kerry about to give a speech.

The man yells, "There's a horses a**"

A guy gets up and punches him...

Then when Teresa Heinz Kerry came on stage, he said the same, "There's a horses A**....

He then got punched again...

After getting up from the flloor again... he says to the bartender, "What is this Kerry country.."

The bartender says no, "Horse country"

2004-05-07T02:57:00.000-07:00

Leno

Kerry was here today in Los Angeles, he was courting the Spanish vote by speaking Spanish. And he showed people he could be boring in two languages.

John Kerry will soon be taking a bus tour of some of the swing states. Kerry said he didn’t wanna take the bus, but his bike was much too dangerous!

2004-05-05T04:55:00.000-07:00

Leno

Like President Bush, this week John Kerry's campaign is taking a bus tour of some of the swing states. Actually, at first Kerry didn't realize he was riding in a bus, he thought it was one of his wife's SUV’s.

John Kerry fell off his bicycle over the weekend. He went for a Sunday afternoon ride and fell off in front of the news media. Luckily his hair broke the fall.

Luckily Kerry was not seriously injured. In fact, Kerry when the police arrived, Kerry was well enough to give conflicting reports to an officer about what happened.

Did you see this yesterday? Senator John Kerry is reportedly okay after falling off his bicycle yesterday. Luckily, he landed on his wallet; so he was fine.

Letterman

President Bush is out on the campaign trail. He has an advantage over John Kerry. He has Air Force One and now this new bus they rent for $45,000 per week. And John Kerry is just falling off of bicycles.

For All The Jokes You Missed About Kerry- (Click Here) John Kerry Is A Joke

2004-05-01T13:27:00.000-07:00

Leno

Today’s my birthday – I got a lovely gift. Today someone gave me the new John Kerry answering machine. The only problem - it doesn’t have a message.

The big story today is John Kerry’s hair. This happens every election. It happened to Clinton a couple elections back. John Kerry reportedly flew in his private hairdresser before his "Meet The Press” interview for a total cost of $1000. $1000 for a haircut. Which sounds like a lot but have you seen the size of John Kerry’s head..

If you’re just paying them by the hour, you’re looking at about eight bucks.

John Kerry was talking about his concerns for the environment the other day. But when a reporter asked him if he owned the SUV that was in his driveway he said that it belonged to his wife. And the car that was in the living room, belonged to Billy Joel.

John Kerry was giving a big speech about the environment and a reporter asked him if he owned a SUV and he said, "No I do not.”

And then the reporter asked him "What about the Chevy Suburban in the driveway?” He said "That’s my wife’s.” Thanks for clearing that up. Thank God it’s not politics as usual.

2004-04-23T15:28:00.000-07:00

Kerry On The Campaign Trail

Sen. John Kerry decided to go out to a local reservation to try to get the Native American vote.

They were all assembled in the Council Hall to hear his speech. Sen. John Kerry had worked up to his finale, and the crowd was getting more and more excited. "I promise better education opportunities for Native Americans!" he exclaimed.

The crowd went wild, shouting "Hoya! Hoya!"

Sen. Kerry was a bit puzzled by the native word, but was encouraged by their enthusiasm. He yelled, "I promise gambling reforms to allow a Casino on the Reservation!"

"Hoya! Hoya!" cried the crowd, stomping their feet.

"I promise more social reforms and job opportunities for Native Americans!"

The crowd reached a frenzied pitch shouting "Hoya! Hoya! Hoya!"

After the speech, Sen. Kerry was touring the Reservation and saw a tremendous herd of cattle. Since he had been on a ranch before, and knew a little bit about cattle, he asked the Chief if he could get closer to take a look at the cattle.

"Sure", the Chief said, "But be careful not to step in the hoya."

2004-04-23T15:03:00.000-07:00

David's Daddy (Sent to Us By Ed and Norma Bzdyk)

Say a prayer for little David . . .

Little David was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up fireman, policeman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, etc.

David was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.

"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he'll go out to the alley with some guy and make love with him for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little David aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"

"No," said David, "He works for the Kerry campaign, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other children."

Thanks to Ed and Norma Bzdyk Of Milledgeville Ga

2004-04-23T08:35:00.000-07:00

Boy Wins Fight With Dog (Sent to Us By Ed and Norma Bzdyk)

Two boys in Boston were playing basketball when one of them was attacked by a vicious Rottweiler..

Thinking quickly, the other boy ripped a board off a nearby fence, wedged it into the dog's collar and twisted it, breaking the dog's neck.

A newspaper reporter from the Boston Herald witnessed the incident and rushed over to interview the boy.

The reporter began entering data into his laptop, beginning with the headline: "Brave Young Celtics Fan Saves Friend From Jaws Of Vicious Animal."

"But I'm not a Celtics fan," the little hero interjected.

"Sorry," replied the reporter. "But since we're in Boston, Mass, I just assumed you were."

Hitting the delete key, the reporter begins again, "John Kerry Fan rescues Friend From Horrific Dog Attack."

"But I'm not a Kerry fan either," the boy responds.

The reporter says, "I assumed everybody in this state was either for the Celtics or Kerry or Kennedy. What team or person do you support?"

"I'm a Houston Rockets fan and I really like George W. Bush" the boy says.

Hitting the delete key, the reporter begins again: "Arrogant Little Conservative Bast**d Kills Beloved Family Pet."

Thanks to Ed and Norma Bzdyk Of Milledgeville Ga

2004-04-23T04:16:00.000-07:00

From Thursday, April 01, 2004

Kerry is a 'post turtle' (Sent to Us By Ed and Norma Bzdyk)

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 70-year-old Massachusetts business tycoon (whose hand had been caught in a fence while working at his country home), a doctor and the old man were talking about Senator John Kerry possibly being in the White House one day.

The old tycoon said, "Well, ya know, Kerry is a 'post turtle'."

Not knowing what the old man meant, the doctor asked him what a post turtle was?

The old man said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle"

The old man saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain:

You know he didn't get there by himself.

He doesn't belong there.

He can't get anything done while he's up there.

And you just want to help the poor bastard get down.

We can't let Kerry be the 'Post Turtle'.

Thanks to Ed and Norma Bzdyk Of Milledgeville Ga

Leno

"Today John Kerry had surgery on his shoulder. Actually, when he showed up, out of force of habit the doctor gave him a Botox shot."

"There was one scary moment during John Kerry’s operation. The hospital transfusion room ran out of blue blood."

"The doctors told him not to lift anything heavy – like your head."

David Letterman

"John Kerry ... had shoulder surgery recently, he's a tough guy, he had no anesthesia for the operation, he just listened to one of his speeches

2004-04-17T04:47:00.000-07:00

Leno

"One surprise on the John Kerry tax return, under primary income, he wrote, "I married it.”

"President Bush listed his income as $822,000. You know what John Kerry calls someone who earned $822,000? Not even worth dating."

2004-04-14T03:23:00.000-07:00

Leno

"Yesterday John Kerry introduced something called the "middle class misery index”. He created a whole new formula to judge how miserable we are, and then he said, right now the middleclass misery index is the highest it’s ever been. Well, of course it is. He just invented it yesterday!

"Kerry also says our nation’s college students will be paying off our trillion-dollar deficit for years to come. You think so? They won’t even pay 99-cents to download music. What makes him think they’re going to pay off the deficit?"

Letterman

"Mom and I went and saw "The Passion”. This is the third time mom and I have seen it. We’ve seen it so many times that we’re now able to pick out production mistakes. Like one we noticed last night, at the scene of the Last Supper, on the table there’s a bottle of Heinz Ketchup. That’s not right."

2004-04-11T06:37:00.000-07:00

Kerry In Bed With “Big Pickle”

CBS Evening News anchor John Roberts: “By now everyone is familiar with how Big Oil and Big Tobacco are fueling the re-election effort of George Bush’s."

"Mr. Kerry enjoys the backing of Big Ketchup, Big Pickle, Big Relish and maybe even the entire Big Condiment lobby.”

2004-04-09T01:29:00.000-07:00

Leno

"Oh and today John Kerry accused President Bush of catering to the rich. You know as opposed to John Kerry who just marries them."

2004-04-07T04:23:00.000-07:00

Leno

"Well the good news for Democrats, now over half the country can identify a picture of John Kerry. The bad news, the majority still thinks he’s the dad from "The Munsters”."

"Today John Kerry was talking to some union workers about the rising price of gas. And he said it’s so expensive, he had to raise his mainsail all the way up and tack back and forth to get back to his summer home in Nantucket."

Conan

"The latest news from the presidential campaign – many Democrats are criticizing John Kerry because he’s taking too much time off. Kerry couldn’t be reached for comment because he was having lunch with Omarosa."

2004-04-06T02:46:00.000-07:00

Leno

"They say John Kerry has now become the first Democratic candidate in history to raise fifty million dollars in a three month period. Hey, that's nothing, he once raised five hundred million dollars in one second....when he said "I do."

2004-04-04T11:10:00.000-07:00

The new robotic bartender (Used and sent to us by Johnny Grant)

A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed.

A fellow came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?"

The man replied, "130." So the robot proceeded to make conversation about physics, astronomy, investments, insurance, and so on. The man listened intently and thought, "This is really cool."

Another gent came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?"

The man responded, "100." So the robot started talking about football, baseball, Basketball (Like Georgia Tech) and so on. The man thought to himself, "Wow, this is really cool."

A third guy came in to the bar. As with the others, the robot asked
him, "What's your IQ?"

The man replied, "70."

The robot leaned over, then asked, "So, are you Democrats really going to nominate John Kerry?"

Thanks-Johnny Grant and Sister Of Milledgeville Ga.

2004-04-04T05:06:00.000-07:00

Leno

"John Kerry said today that he would bring down the price of gas. Kerry said he would "arm twist” members of OPEC to lower prices"

"You really think that would work with OPEC? A little arm twisting."

"Bush has invaded them and they haven’t lowered their prices. Like a little arm twisting is going to intimidate them."

2004-04-03T21:04:00.000-08:00

From Saturday, April 03, 2004

"I'm a George Bush fan" (Sent to us by Marquine and Jim Gose)

A teacher in a small Vermont town asks her class how many of them are John Kerry fans?

Not really knowing what a John Kerry fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raise their hands except one boy.

The teacher asks Johnny why he has decided to be different. Johnny says, "I'm not a John Kerry fan."

The teacher says, "Why aren't you a John Kerry fan?"

Johnny says, "I'm a George Bush fan."

The teacher asks why he's a George Bush fan.

The boy says, "Well, my mom's a George Bush fan and my dad's a George Bush fan, so I'm a George Bush fan!"

The teacher is kind of angry, because this is Vermont, so she asks, "What if your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"

Johnny says, "That would make me a John Kerry fan."

Thanks-Marquine and Jim Gose of Sparta Ga

2004-04-03T20:58:00.000-08:00

From Friday, April 02, 2004

Leno

"John Kerry is recovering from shoulder surgery. He claims to have received get well cards from 15 different foreign leaders….although he won’t name them."

"You realize that John Kerry could the first president to give both the State of The Union Address and then the rebuttal."

"Ralph Nader who’s also running for president as an independent is advising John Kerry to "loosen up”. How embarrassing is that? When Ralph Nader thinks you’re square. Oh my God!"

"Today Senator John Kerry introduced his plan to reduce oil prices. He says he’s going to marry a rich Saudi Arabian princess."

2004-04-03T20:50:00.000-08:00

2004-04-03T20:48:00.000-08:00

From Wednesday, March 31, 2004

Kilborn

"John Kerry has had surgery to repair his right shoulder. He hurt it when he switched his position on Iraq."

2004-04-03T20:44:00.000-08:00

From Tuesday, March 30, 2004

Leno

"Everyone is waiting to see if this left-wing radio will be successful. I think it’s a good idea. I think we should consider all different points of view. I like to hear both sides of an issue. That’s why I like listen to John Kerry’s speeches. I know sooner or later, I’ll hear both sides of the issue."

"Today John Kerry finally cleared up his position on military action in Iraq today. He said he voted yes on "shock” but no on "awe”."

2004-04-03T20:40:00.000-08:00

From Saturday, March 27, 2004

About Kerry, U.S. Sen. Judd Gregg said:

"I think he thinks he has the three things he needs to be president. He has Bill Clinton’s hair. He has Al Gore’s personality. and he has Jacques Chirac’s foreign policy,”

2004-04-03T20:36:00.000-08:00

From Thursday, March 25, 2004

Letterman

"The presidential campaign is getting exciting. John Kerry has been being a boob on the campaign trail, he’s dropped off in the polls, so he took some time off. He went out to Idaho for five days to do some snowboarding. He’s good with a snowboard. He can do the alley-oop, the backslide and the corkscrew – no, wait that’s Clinton."

2004-04-03T20:32:00.000-08:00

From Sunday, March 21, 2004

Leno

"We make jokes about it but the truth is the presidential election really offers a choice of two well informed opposing positions on every issue – they both happen to be John Kerry’s."

"He’s quite an athlete – they showed him snowboarding. He’s in Idaho and he’s snowboarding. Did you see him on the news? He is pretty good. He’s a good snowboarder. Did you see him? He was going downhill faster than Howard Dean."

"One of Kerry’s advisors once said, there’s really "two John Kerry’s”. There’s "indoor John” who agonizes over decisions, and "outdoor John” who takes bold decisive action."

"Outdoor John – isn’t that a port-o-potty?"

2004-04-03T20:27:00.000-08:00

From Saturday, March 20, 2004

KERRY CALLED SECRET SERVICE AGENT 'SON OF A B*TCH' AFTER SLOPE SPILL

John Kerry called his secret service agent a "son of a b*tch" after the agent inadvertently moved into his path during a ski mishap in Idaho, sending Kerry falling into the snow.

When asked a moment later about the incident by a reporter on the ski run, Kerry said sharply, "I don't fall down," the "son of a b*itch knocked me over."

Leno

"In West Virginia. John Kerry explained his position on supporting the troops by saying: "I actually did vote for the $87 billion before i voted against it.” That clears it up for me."

"This shows how much politics has speeded up so quickly. Kerry’s now changing his position in the same sentence."

2004-04-03T20:20:00.000-08:00

From Friday, March 19, 2004

Leno

"John Kerry has announced that he and his wife are leaving on a weeklong vacation. He’s going to take her back to the place where he proposed. At her bank."

"The Secret Service announced today they are doubling its protection for John Kerry. You can understand why, I mean, with two positions on every issue, he's got twice as many people mad at him."

KERRY: “I actually did vote for the $87 billion before I voted against it.”

2004-04-03T20:01:00.000-08:00

From Wednesday, March 17, 2004

A Wee Bit of Mischief From the RNC

Chairman Ed Gillespie released the following limerick in tribute to Democratic nominee John Kerry:

There once was a man from Nantucket,
Whose misstatements could fill up a bucket.
Oft the truth he has bent,
Like his "Irish descent."
Of his record he says, "I'll just duck it."

Leno

"Yesterday John Kerry met with Al Sharpton. Did you see Kerry and Sharpton standing there together? They looked like Abe Lincoln and Rueben from "American Idol”.

"Actually there was kind of embarrassing for Al Sharpton - remember when John Kerry said he wants to be considered the second black president since Bill Clinton was the first."

"That’s why he told Al Sharpton he couldn’t be his running mate. He told Al, "Look to balance the ticket, I’m gonna have to go with a white guy. We can’t have two black guys on one ticket. Sorry brother, good luck.”

"Kerry refuses to say who these leaders were, now it turns out he hasn’t even been out of the country in a year and half. Which means the only possible foreign leader he could’ve met with was Arnold Schwarzenegger."

"What Kerry meant to say is he heard from people all over the world who hope he wins. It turns out the real story is he was at the International House of Pancakes and overhead people in the next booth talking."

Conan

"John Kerry is busy. He wants to raise $80 million before the Democratic National Convention. He has two ways of raising money. Soliciting Democrat donors or going through his wife’s purse".

2004-04-01T12:06:00.000-08:00