Friday, April 23, 2004
Kerry On The Campaign Trail
Sen. John Kerry decided to go out to a local reservation to try to get the Native American vote.
They were all assembled in the Council Hall to hear his speech. Sen. John Kerry had worked up to his finale, and the crowd was getting more and more excited. "I promise better education opportunities for Native Americans!" he exclaimed.
The crowd went wild, shouting "Hoya! Hoya!"
Sen. Kerry was a bit puzzled by the native word, but was encouraged by their enthusiasm. He yelled, "I promise gambling reforms to allow a Casino on the Reservation!"
"Hoya! Hoya!" cried the crowd, stomping their feet.
"I promise more social reforms and job opportunities for Native Americans!"
The crowd reached a frenzied pitch shouting "Hoya! Hoya! Hoya!"
After the speech, Sen. Kerry was touring the Reservation and saw a tremendous herd of cattle. Since he had been on a ranch before, and knew a little bit about cattle, he asked the Chief if he could get closer to take a look at the cattle.
"Sure", the Chief said, "But be careful not to step in the hoya."
Sen. John Kerry decided to go out to a local reservation to try to get the Native American vote.
They were all assembled in the Council Hall to hear his speech. Sen. John Kerry had worked up to his finale, and the crowd was getting more and more excited. "I promise better education opportunities for Native Americans!" he exclaimed.
The crowd went wild, shouting "Hoya! Hoya!"
Sen. Kerry was a bit puzzled by the native word, but was encouraged by their enthusiasm. He yelled, "I promise gambling reforms to allow a Casino on the Reservation!"
"Hoya! Hoya!" cried the crowd, stomping their feet.
"I promise more social reforms and job opportunities for Native Americans!"
The crowd reached a frenzied pitch shouting "Hoya! Hoya! Hoya!"
After the speech, Sen. Kerry was touring the Reservation and saw a tremendous herd of cattle. Since he had been on a ranch before, and knew a little bit about cattle, he asked the Chief if he could get closer to take a look at the cattle.
"Sure", the Chief said, "But be careful not to step in the hoya."
David's Daddy (Sent to Us By Ed and Norma Bzdyk)
Say a prayer for little David . . .
Little David was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up fireman, policeman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, etc.
David was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.
"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he'll go out to the alley with some guy and make love with him for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little David aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"
"No," said David, "He works for the Kerry campaign, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other children."
Thanks to Ed and Norma Bzdyk Of Milledgeville Ga
Say a prayer for little David . . .
Little David was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up fireman, policeman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, etc.
David was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.
"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he'll go out to the alley with some guy and make love with him for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little David aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"
"No," said David, "He works for the Kerry campaign, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other children."
Thanks to Ed and Norma Bzdyk Of Milledgeville Ga
Boy Wins Fight With Dog (Sent to Us By Ed and Norma Bzdyk)
Two boys in Boston were playing basketball when one of them was attacked by a vicious Rottweiler..
Thinking quickly, the other boy ripped a board off a nearby fence, wedged it into the dog's collar and twisted it, breaking the dog's neck.
A newspaper reporter from the Boston Herald witnessed the incident and rushed over to interview the boy.
The reporter began entering data into his laptop, beginning with the headline: "Brave Young Celtics Fan Saves Friend From Jaws Of Vicious Animal."
"But I'm not a Celtics fan," the little hero interjected.
"Sorry," replied the reporter. "But since we're in Boston, Mass, I just assumed you were."
Hitting the delete key, the reporter begins again, "John Kerry Fan rescues Friend From Horrific Dog Attack."
"But I'm not a Kerry fan either," the boy responds.
The reporter says, "I assumed everybody in this state was either for the Celtics or Kerry or Kennedy. What team or person do you support?"
"I'm a Houston Rockets fan and I really like George W. Bush" the boy says.
Hitting the delete key, the reporter begins again: "Arrogant Little Conservative Bast**d Kills Beloved Family Pet."
Thanks to Ed and Norma Bzdyk Of Milledgeville Ga
Two boys in Boston were playing basketball when one of them was attacked by a vicious Rottweiler..
Thinking quickly, the other boy ripped a board off a nearby fence, wedged it into the dog's collar and twisted it, breaking the dog's neck.
A newspaper reporter from the Boston Herald witnessed the incident and rushed over to interview the boy.
The reporter began entering data into his laptop, beginning with the headline: "Brave Young Celtics Fan Saves Friend From Jaws Of Vicious Animal."
"But I'm not a Celtics fan," the little hero interjected.
"Sorry," replied the reporter. "But since we're in Boston, Mass, I just assumed you were."
Hitting the delete key, the reporter begins again, "John Kerry Fan rescues Friend From Horrific Dog Attack."
"But I'm not a Kerry fan either," the boy responds.
The reporter says, "I assumed everybody in this state was either for the Celtics or Kerry or Kennedy. What team or person do you support?"
"I'm a Houston Rockets fan and I really like George W. Bush" the boy says.
Hitting the delete key, the reporter begins again: "Arrogant Little Conservative Bast**d Kills Beloved Family Pet."
Thanks to Ed and Norma Bzdyk Of Milledgeville Ga
From Thursday, April 01, 2004
Kerry is a 'post turtle' (Sent to Us By Ed and Norma Bzdyk)
While suturing a cut on the hand of a 70-year-old Massachusetts business tycoon (whose hand had been caught in a fence while working at his country home), a doctor and the old man were talking about Senator John Kerry possibly being in the White House one day.
The old tycoon said, "Well, ya know, Kerry is a 'post turtle'."
Not knowing what the old man meant, the doctor asked him what a post turtle was?
The old man said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle"
The old man saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain:
You know he didn't get there by himself.
He doesn't belong there.
He can't get anything done while he's up there.
And you just want to help the poor bastard get down.
We can't let Kerry be the 'Post Turtle'.
Thanks to Ed and Norma Bzdyk Of Milledgeville Ga
Leno
"Today John Kerry had surgery on his shoulder. Actually, when he showed up, out of force of habit the doctor gave him a Botox shot."
"There was one scary moment during John Kerry’s operation. The hospital transfusion room ran out of blue blood."
"The doctors told him not to lift anything heavy – like your head."
David Letterman
"John Kerry ... had shoulder surgery recently, he's a tough guy, he had no anesthesia for the operation, he just listened to one of his speeches
Kerry is a 'post turtle' (Sent to Us By Ed and Norma Bzdyk)
While suturing a cut on the hand of a 70-year-old Massachusetts business tycoon (whose hand had been caught in a fence while working at his country home), a doctor and the old man were talking about Senator John Kerry possibly being in the White House one day.
The old tycoon said, "Well, ya know, Kerry is a 'post turtle'."
Not knowing what the old man meant, the doctor asked him what a post turtle was?
The old man said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle"
The old man saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain:
You know he didn't get there by himself.
He doesn't belong there.
He can't get anything done while he's up there.
And you just want to help the poor bastard get down.
We can't let Kerry be the 'Post Turtle'.
Thanks to Ed and Norma Bzdyk Of Milledgeville Ga
Leno
"Today John Kerry had surgery on his shoulder. Actually, when he showed up, out of force of habit the doctor gave him a Botox shot."
"There was one scary moment during John Kerry’s operation. The hospital transfusion room ran out of blue blood."
"The doctors told him not to lift anything heavy – like your head."
David Letterman
"John Kerry ... had shoulder surgery recently, he's a tough guy, he had no anesthesia for the operation, he just listened to one of his speeches
Saturday, April 17, 2004
Leno
"One surprise on the John Kerry tax return, under primary income, he wrote, "I married it.”
"President Bush listed his income as $822,000. You know what John Kerry calls someone who earned $822,000? Not even worth dating."
"One surprise on the John Kerry tax return, under primary income, he wrote, "I married it.”
"President Bush listed his income as $822,000. You know what John Kerry calls someone who earned $822,000? Not even worth dating."
Wednesday, April 14, 2004
Leno
"Yesterday John Kerry introduced something called the "middle class misery index”. He created a whole new formula to judge how miserable we are, and then he said, right now the middleclass misery index is the highest it’s ever been. Well, of course it is. He just invented it yesterday!
"Kerry also says our nation’s college students will be paying off our trillion-dollar deficit for years to come. You think so? They won’t even pay 99-cents to download music. What makes him think they’re going to pay off the deficit?"
Letterman
"Mom and I went and saw "The Passion”. This is the third time mom and I have seen it. We’ve seen it so many times that we’re now able to pick out production mistakes. Like one we noticed last night, at the scene of the Last Supper, on the table there’s a bottle of Heinz Ketchup. That’s not right."
"Yesterday John Kerry introduced something called the "middle class misery index”. He created a whole new formula to judge how miserable we are, and then he said, right now the middleclass misery index is the highest it’s ever been. Well, of course it is. He just invented it yesterday!
"Kerry also says our nation’s college students will be paying off our trillion-dollar deficit for years to come. You think so? They won’t even pay 99-cents to download music. What makes him think they’re going to pay off the deficit?"
Letterman
"Mom and I went and saw "The Passion”. This is the third time mom and I have seen it. We’ve seen it so many times that we’re now able to pick out production mistakes. Like one we noticed last night, at the scene of the Last Supper, on the table there’s a bottle of Heinz Ketchup. That’s not right."
Sunday, April 11, 2004
Kerry In Bed With “Big Pickle”
CBS Evening News anchor John Roberts: “By now everyone is familiar with how Big Oil and Big Tobacco are fueling the re-election effort of George Bush’s."
"Mr. Kerry enjoys the backing of Big Ketchup, Big Pickle, Big Relish and maybe even the entire Big Condiment lobby.”
CBS Evening News anchor John Roberts: “By now everyone is familiar with how Big Oil and Big Tobacco are fueling the re-election effort of George Bush’s."
"Mr. Kerry enjoys the backing of Big Ketchup, Big Pickle, Big Relish and maybe even the entire Big Condiment lobby.”
Friday, April 09, 2004
Leno
"Oh and today John Kerry accused President Bush of catering to the rich. You know as opposed to John Kerry who just marries them."
"Oh and today John Kerry accused President Bush of catering to the rich. You know as opposed to John Kerry who just marries them."
Wednesday, April 07, 2004
Leno
"Well the good news for Democrats, now over half the country can identify a picture of John Kerry. The bad news, the majority still thinks he’s the dad from "The Munsters”."
"Today John Kerry was talking to some union workers about the rising price of gas. And he said it’s so expensive, he had to raise his mainsail all the way up and tack back and forth to get back to his summer home in Nantucket."
Conan
"The latest news from the presidential campaign – many Democrats are criticizing John Kerry because he’s taking too much time off. Kerry couldn’t be reached for comment because he was having lunch with Omarosa."
"Well the good news for Democrats, now over half the country can identify a picture of John Kerry. The bad news, the majority still thinks he’s the dad from "The Munsters”."
"Today John Kerry was talking to some union workers about the rising price of gas. And he said it’s so expensive, he had to raise his mainsail all the way up and tack back and forth to get back to his summer home in Nantucket."
Conan
"The latest news from the presidential campaign – many Democrats are criticizing John Kerry because he’s taking too much time off. Kerry couldn’t be reached for comment because he was having lunch with Omarosa."
Tuesday, April 06, 2004
Leno
"They say John Kerry has now become the first Democratic candidate in history to raise fifty million dollars in a three month period. Hey, that's nothing, he once raised five hundred million dollars in one second....when he said "I do."
"They say John Kerry has now become the first Democratic candidate in history to raise fifty million dollars in a three month period. Hey, that's nothing, he once raised five hundred million dollars in one second....when he said "I do."
Sunday, April 04, 2004
The new robotic bartender (Used and sent to us by Johnny Grant)
A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed.
A fellow came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?"
The man replied, "130." So the robot proceeded to make conversation about physics, astronomy, investments, insurance, and so on. The man listened intently and thought, "This is really cool."
Another gent came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?"
The man responded, "100." So the robot started talking about football, baseball, Basketball (Like Georgia Tech) and so on. The man thought to himself, "Wow, this is really cool."
A third guy came in to the bar. As with the others, the robot asked
him, "What's your IQ?"
The man replied, "70."
The robot leaned over, then asked, "So, are you Democrats really going to nominate John Kerry?"
Thanks-Johnny Grant and Sister Of Milledgeville Ga.
A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed.
A fellow came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?"
The man replied, "130." So the robot proceeded to make conversation about physics, astronomy, investments, insurance, and so on. The man listened intently and thought, "This is really cool."
Another gent came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?"
The man responded, "100." So the robot started talking about football, baseball, Basketball (Like Georgia Tech) and so on. The man thought to himself, "Wow, this is really cool."
A third guy came in to the bar. As with the others, the robot asked
him, "What's your IQ?"
The man replied, "70."
The robot leaned over, then asked, "So, are you Democrats really going to nominate John Kerry?"
Thanks-Johnny Grant and Sister Of Milledgeville Ga.
Leno
"John Kerry said today that he would bring down the price of gas. Kerry said he would "arm twist” members of OPEC to lower prices"
"You really think that would work with OPEC? A little arm twisting."
"Bush has invaded them and they haven’t lowered their prices. Like a little arm twisting is going to intimidate them."
"John Kerry said today that he would bring down the price of gas. Kerry said he would "arm twist” members of OPEC to lower prices"
"You really think that would work with OPEC? A little arm twisting."
"Bush has invaded them and they haven’t lowered their prices. Like a little arm twisting is going to intimidate them."
Saturday, April 03, 2004
From Saturday, April 03, 2004
"I'm a George Bush fan" (Sent to us by Marquine and Jim Gose)
A teacher in a small Vermont town asks her class how many of them are John Kerry fans?
Not really knowing what a John Kerry fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raise their hands except one boy.
The teacher asks Johnny why he has decided to be different. Johnny says, "I'm not a John Kerry fan."
The teacher says, "Why aren't you a John Kerry fan?"
Johnny says, "I'm a George Bush fan."
The teacher asks why he's a George Bush fan.
The boy says, "Well, my mom's a George Bush fan and my dad's a George Bush fan, so I'm a George Bush fan!"
The teacher is kind of angry, because this is Vermont, so she asks, "What if your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"
Johnny says, "That would make me a John Kerry fan."
Thanks-Marquine and Jim Gose of Sparta Ga
"I'm a George Bush fan" (Sent to us by Marquine and Jim Gose)
A teacher in a small Vermont town asks her class how many of them are John Kerry fans?
Not really knowing what a John Kerry fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raise their hands except one boy.
The teacher asks Johnny why he has decided to be different. Johnny says, "I'm not a John Kerry fan."
The teacher says, "Why aren't you a John Kerry fan?"
Johnny says, "I'm a George Bush fan."
The teacher asks why he's a George Bush fan.
The boy says, "Well, my mom's a George Bush fan and my dad's a George Bush fan, so I'm a George Bush fan!"
The teacher is kind of angry, because this is Vermont, so she asks, "What if your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"
Johnny says, "That would make me a John Kerry fan."
Thanks-Marquine and Jim Gose of Sparta Ga
From Friday, April 02, 2004
Leno
"John Kerry is recovering from shoulder surgery. He claims to have received get well cards from 15 different foreign leaders….although he won’t name them."
"You realize that John Kerry could the first president to give both the State of The Union Address and then the rebuttal."
"Ralph Nader who’s also running for president as an independent is advising John Kerry to "loosen up”. How embarrassing is that? When Ralph Nader thinks you’re square. Oh my God!"
"Today Senator John Kerry introduced his plan to reduce oil prices. He says he’s going to marry a rich Saudi Arabian princess."
Leno
"John Kerry is recovering from shoulder surgery. He claims to have received get well cards from 15 different foreign leaders….although he won’t name them."
"You realize that John Kerry could the first president to give both the State of The Union Address and then the rebuttal."
"Ralph Nader who’s also running for president as an independent is advising John Kerry to "loosen up”. How embarrassing is that? When Ralph Nader thinks you’re square. Oh my God!"
"Today Senator John Kerry introduced his plan to reduce oil prices. He says he’s going to marry a rich Saudi Arabian princess."
From Thursday, April 01, 2004
Kerry is a 'post turtle' (Sent to Us By Ed and Norma Bzdyk)
While suturing a cut on the hand of a 70-year-old Massachusetts business tycoon (whose hand had been caught in a fence while working at his country home), a doctor and the old man were talking about Senator John Kerry possibly being in the White House one day.
The old tycoon said, "Well, ya know, Kerry is a 'post turtle'."
Not knowing what the old man meant, the doctor asked him what a post turtle was?
The old man said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle"
The old man saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain:
You know he didn't get there by himself.
He doesn't belong there.
He can't get anything done while he's up there.
And you just want to help the poor bastard get down.
We can't let Kerry be the 'Post Turtle'.
Thanks to Ed and Norma Bzdyk Of Milledgeville Ga
Leno
"Today John Kerry had surgery on his shoulder. Actually, when he showed up, out of force of habit the doctor gave him a Botox shot."
"There was one scary moment during John Kerry’s operation. The hospital transfusion room ran out of blue blood."
"The doctors told him not to lift anything heavy – like your head."
David Letterman
"John Kerry ... had shoulder surgery recently, he's a tough guy, he had no anesthesia for the operation, he just listened to one of his speeches
From Wednesday, March 31, 2004
Kilborn
"John Kerry has had surgery to repair his right shoulder. He hurt it when he switched his position on Iraq."
Kilborn
"John Kerry has had surgery to repair his right shoulder. He hurt it when he switched his position on Iraq."
From Tuesday, March 30, 2004
Leno
"Everyone is waiting to see if this left-wing radio will be successful. I think it’s a good idea. I think we should consider all different points of view. I like to hear both sides of an issue. That’s why I like listen to John Kerry’s speeches. I know sooner or later, I’ll hear both sides of the issue."
"Today John Kerry finally cleared up his position on military action in Iraq today. He said he voted yes on "shock” but no on "awe”."
Leno
"Everyone is waiting to see if this left-wing radio will be successful. I think it’s a good idea. I think we should consider all different points of view. I like to hear both sides of an issue. That’s why I like listen to John Kerry’s speeches. I know sooner or later, I’ll hear both sides of the issue."
"Today John Kerry finally cleared up his position on military action in Iraq today. He said he voted yes on "shock” but no on "awe”."
From Saturday, March 27, 2004
About Kerry, U.S. Sen. Judd Gregg said:
"I think he thinks he has the three things he needs to be president. He has Bill Clinton’s hair. He has Al Gore’s personality. and he has Jacques Chirac’s foreign policy,”
About Kerry, U.S. Sen. Judd Gregg said:
"I think he thinks he has the three things he needs to be president. He has Bill Clinton’s hair. He has Al Gore’s personality. and he has Jacques Chirac’s foreign policy,”
From Thursday, March 25, 2004
Letterman
"The presidential campaign is getting exciting. John Kerry has been being a boob on the campaign trail, he’s dropped off in the polls, so he took some time off. He went out to Idaho for five days to do some snowboarding. He’s good with a snowboard. He can do the alley-oop, the backslide and the corkscrew – no, wait that’s Clinton."
Letterman
"The presidential campaign is getting exciting. John Kerry has been being a boob on the campaign trail, he’s dropped off in the polls, so he took some time off. He went out to Idaho for five days to do some snowboarding. He’s good with a snowboard. He can do the alley-oop, the backslide and the corkscrew – no, wait that’s Clinton."
From Sunday, March 21, 2004
Leno
"We make jokes about it but the truth is the presidential election really offers a choice of two well informed opposing positions on every issue – they both happen to be John Kerry’s."
"He’s quite an athlete – they showed him snowboarding. He’s in Idaho and he’s snowboarding. Did you see him on the news? He is pretty good. He’s a good snowboarder. Did you see him? He was going downhill faster than Howard Dean."
"One of Kerry’s advisors once said, there’s really "two John Kerry’s”. There’s "indoor John” who agonizes over decisions, and "outdoor John” who takes bold decisive action."
"Outdoor John – isn’t that a port-o-potty?"
Leno
"We make jokes about it but the truth is the presidential election really offers a choice of two well informed opposing positions on every issue – they both happen to be John Kerry’s."
"He’s quite an athlete – they showed him snowboarding. He’s in Idaho and he’s snowboarding. Did you see him on the news? He is pretty good. He’s a good snowboarder. Did you see him? He was going downhill faster than Howard Dean."
"One of Kerry’s advisors once said, there’s really "two John Kerry’s”. There’s "indoor John” who agonizes over decisions, and "outdoor John” who takes bold decisive action."
"Outdoor John – isn’t that a port-o-potty?"
From Saturday, March 20, 2004
KERRY CALLED SECRET SERVICE AGENT 'SON OF A B*TCH' AFTER SLOPE SPILL
John Kerry called his secret service agent a "son of a b*tch" after the agent inadvertently moved into his path during a ski mishap in Idaho, sending Kerry falling into the snow.
When asked a moment later about the incident by a reporter on the ski run, Kerry said sharply, "I don't fall down," the "son of a b*itch knocked me over."
Leno
"In West Virginia. John Kerry explained his position on supporting the troops by saying: "I actually did vote for the $87 billion before i voted against it.” That clears it up for me."
"This shows how much politics has speeded up so quickly. Kerry’s now changing his position in the same sentence."
KERRY CALLED SECRET SERVICE AGENT 'SON OF A B*TCH' AFTER SLOPE SPILL
John Kerry called his secret service agent a "son of a b*tch" after the agent inadvertently moved into his path during a ski mishap in Idaho, sending Kerry falling into the snow.
When asked a moment later about the incident by a reporter on the ski run, Kerry said sharply, "I don't fall down," the "son of a b*itch knocked me over."
Leno
"In West Virginia. John Kerry explained his position on supporting the troops by saying: "I actually did vote for the $87 billion before i voted against it.” That clears it up for me."
"This shows how much politics has speeded up so quickly. Kerry’s now changing his position in the same sentence."
From Friday, March 19, 2004
Leno
"John Kerry has announced that he and his wife are leaving on a weeklong vacation. He’s going to take her back to the place where he proposed. At her bank."
"The Secret Service announced today they are doubling its protection for John Kerry. You can understand why, I mean, with two positions on every issue, he's got twice as many people mad at him."
KERRY: “I actually did vote for the $87 billion before I voted against it.”
Leno
"John Kerry has announced that he and his wife are leaving on a weeklong vacation. He’s going to take her back to the place where he proposed. At her bank."
"The Secret Service announced today they are doubling its protection for John Kerry. You can understand why, I mean, with two positions on every issue, he's got twice as many people mad at him."
KERRY: “I actually did vote for the $87 billion before I voted against it.”
From Wednesday, March 17, 2004
A Wee Bit of Mischief From the RNC
Chairman Ed Gillespie released the following limerick in tribute to Democratic nominee John Kerry:
There once was a man from Nantucket,
Whose misstatements could fill up a bucket.
Oft the truth he has bent,
Like his "Irish descent."
Of his record he says, "I'll just duck it."
Leno
"Yesterday John Kerry met with Al Sharpton. Did you see Kerry and Sharpton standing there together? They looked like Abe Lincoln and Rueben from "American Idol”.
"Actually there was kind of embarrassing for Al Sharpton - remember when John Kerry said he wants to be considered the second black president since Bill Clinton was the first."
"That’s why he told Al Sharpton he couldn’t be his running mate. He told Al, "Look to balance the ticket, I’m gonna have to go with a white guy. We can’t have two black guys on one ticket. Sorry brother, good luck.”
"Kerry refuses to say who these leaders were, now it turns out he hasn’t even been out of the country in a year and half. Which means the only possible foreign leader he could’ve met with was Arnold Schwarzenegger."
"What Kerry meant to say is he heard from people all over the world who hope he wins. It turns out the real story is he was at the International House of Pancakes and overhead people in the next booth talking."
Conan
"John Kerry is busy. He wants to raise $80 million before the Democratic National Convention. He has two ways of raising money. Soliciting Democrat donors or going through his wife’s purse".
A Wee Bit of Mischief From the RNC
Chairman Ed Gillespie released the following limerick in tribute to Democratic nominee John Kerry:
There once was a man from Nantucket,
Whose misstatements could fill up a bucket.
Oft the truth he has bent,
Like his "Irish descent."
Of his record he says, "I'll just duck it."
Leno
"Yesterday John Kerry met with Al Sharpton. Did you see Kerry and Sharpton standing there together? They looked like Abe Lincoln and Rueben from "American Idol”.
"Actually there was kind of embarrassing for Al Sharpton - remember when John Kerry said he wants to be considered the second black president since Bill Clinton was the first."
"That’s why he told Al Sharpton he couldn’t be his running mate. He told Al, "Look to balance the ticket, I’m gonna have to go with a white guy. We can’t have two black guys on one ticket. Sorry brother, good luck.”
"Kerry refuses to say who these leaders were, now it turns out he hasn’t even been out of the country in a year and half. Which means the only possible foreign leader he could’ve met with was Arnold Schwarzenegger."
"What Kerry meant to say is he heard from people all over the world who hope he wins. It turns out the real story is he was at the International House of Pancakes and overhead people in the next booth talking."
Conan
"John Kerry is busy. He wants to raise $80 million before the Democratic National Convention. He has two ways of raising money. Soliciting Democrat donors or going through his wife’s purse".
Thursday, April 01, 2004
