Saturday, August 28, 2004
Three Texas Surgeons
(Sent to Us By Ed and Norma Bzdyk)
Three Texas surgeons were having lunch together and discussing
surgeries they had performed. One of them said, "I'm the best
Surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an
accident, I reattached them and 8 months later he performed a
private concert for the Queen of England."
One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost both
arms and legs in a terrible accident, I reattached them and 2
years later he won 2 gold medals in field events in the Olympics."
The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago
a guy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on
into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with
was the horse's ass and the guy's mouth. Now he's running as
the Democrat Candidate for President of the United States."
Thanks to Ed and Norma Bzdyk Of Milledgeville Ga
(Sent to Us By Ed and Norma Bzdyk)
Three Texas surgeons were having lunch together and discussing
surgeries they had performed. One of them said, "I'm the best
Surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an
accident, I reattached them and 8 months later he performed a
private concert for the Queen of England."
One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost both
arms and legs in a terrible accident, I reattached them and 2
years later he won 2 gold medals in field events in the Olympics."
The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago
a guy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on
into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with
was the horse's ass and the guy's mouth. Now he's running as
the Democrat Candidate for President of the United States."
Thanks to Ed and Norma Bzdyk Of Milledgeville Ga
Saturday, August 14, 2004
Leno
Let's see what's going on with the Democrats, John and Teresa - or as they're called now, Cash and Kerry...
According to the Drudge Report, John Kerry and his wife had a huge argument after the campaign rally in Arizona on Sunday night and had to sleep in separate hotel rooms. So apparently they're going after the Clinton vote.
Apparently what happened, while they were having an intimate moment Kerry accidentally yelled out the name "John Edwards".
According to the papers today, John Kerry said today as president he would remove a large number of our troops from Iraq within the first six months. Well that's smart, don't you think, in a war it's always a good idea to tell the other side when and what your plans are. Like in football, "We're going to fake a field goal."
John Kerry was at the Grand Canyon yesterday. He said he wanted to go some place that made his head look smaller.
John Kerry met with leaders of the Navajo Indian Tribe over the weekend. Kerry said the Indian people have been disrespected in the past, and, under his administration they will be treated with the dignity and reverence that they deserve. Then he got in his Jeep Cherokee and drove away.
Conan
John Kerry recently went to the Grand Canyon. He said that he hasn't seen a crevess that big since he shaved.
Leno
John Kerry has crticized President Bush's reaction on 9/11. John Kerry said if he were reading to children at that moment he would have told then he had something important to attend to. Let me tell you something - if John Kerry was reading to children, first he would have to wake them up. "Kids I gotta go now...kids?!...kids?!"
John Kerry embarked on an 1,800 mile train trip through several key battleground states. 1,800 miles on a train - that is the longest Kerry has even gone without changing direction.
You know the Kerrys and the Edwards went to Wendy's the other day for lunch - made a big deal about it. "We're regular people going to Wendy's..." But when they got back to their bus, they secretly had a gourmet meal delivered from a nearby yacht club. So I guess there really are two Americas...and they don't like the food of the poor one.
This weekend, John Kerry is going to meet with the leaders of the Navajo Indian Tribe. They like Kerry because his head reminds them of a totem pole.
Did you hear about this? John Kerry spoke to a crowd of people in Iowa near a cornfield for a half hour – a half hour before everyone realized it was a scarecrow.
Political experts continue to be baffled over John Kerry’s failure to get a bump in popularity after the Democratic Convention. Jimmy Carter got a bump in 1976. Ronald Reagan received a bump in 1980. And Bill Clinton not only got a bump in 1992, he got a bump and a grind.
Some bad news for John Kerry coming out of the Democratic Convention. The balloons didn’t fall, but apparently his poll numbers did.
Did you hear about this? It’s the first time since 1972 that a candidate didn’t get a bump from their convention. In fact not only didn’t Kerry get a bump but President Bush gained 4 percentage points. And today Bush asked Kerry if he would speak at the Republican Convention too.
Obviously the Democrats are very proud of John Kerry’s service record, as we all should be and they chose those words very carefully. "Decorated war hero”. That’s what they always say when they describe John Kerry. "Decorated war hero.” Here’s why – that appeals to women. War – that’s for the men. Men relate to war. "Decorated” see that gets the gay vote.
Did you watch John Kerry’s speech? Kerry started out his speech by saying "I’m John Kerry and I’m reporting for duty.” And President Bush said "Great!” and sent him to Iraq.
John Kerry broke out his "secret weapon” – a personality.
Kerry said he was really looking forward to giving the speech. Apparently, he said he couldn’t wait to find out what his policies were.
They showed a little montage of his life and in the film they showed a picture of a young John Kerry when he was in a rock band and explained why he did it. He said it was a great way to meet girls. Today President Clinton called him and said, "Hey if you think that’s a great way to meet girls, wait’ll you become president.”
I learned an interesting little bit of trivia about John Kerry. Did you know he was once a soldier in Vietnam? Has that been mentioned before?
John Edwards also had some tough words for Osama bin Laden. He said, "We will destroy you.” Then he said "And if that doesn’t work, we’ll sue your ass.”
Letterman
Everything was exciting. To unwind after the convention John Kerry got together with some of his Vietnam buddies to pull a casino heist.
Did you see Teresa Heinz-Kerry? Her family makes the red bottle ketchup. She’s also the youngest Gabore sister.
Teresa also has a book out. It’s called "It Takes a Villa”.
Leno
On Friday, it was John Edwards wedding anniversary, Edwards, Kerry and their wives all stopped at a Wendy’s to eat. That’s a tradition with the Edwards to always go to Wendy’s on their anniversary because that’s where they went on their first date so they brought the Kerry’s with them. I don’t want to say that Kerry’s wife Teresa had never been to a Wendy’s before, but she ordered the pheasant.
You know this weekend John Kerry was yelling "help is on the way”, no I’m sorry that was Mike Tyson’s trainer trying to get him off the matt.
Did you all see the problems they had with the balloons that were supposed to cascade down onto the stage after the democratic convention? Apparently they got held up. A stagehand was supposed to pull on the lever that dropped the balloons, but he didn’t do it. Finally Teresa Heinz had to get up there and yell at him "shove it…..just shove it.”
John Edwards gave his speech last night and I thought he did a great job considering he was a last minute replacement for John McCain.
In fact Edwards speech was so good, when he finished, the delegates awarded him $80 million plus punitive damages.
Edwards said there are "two Americas”. And then later in the speech, he announced if John Kerry is elected president, they’ll open a third America maybe out near Anaheim possibly…one by Six Flags
We’re learning more and more about potential first lady Teresa Heinz Kerry. Very well educated woman. Did you know that? In fact she can say "shove it” in five different languages.
John Kerry said he would never criticize his wife. When reporters asked him why, he said he had over a billion reasons.
Kilborn
John Edwards was asked to describe what it was like to be around John Kerry and he said, "He’s strong, he’s decisive, and he hogs the covers.”
Leno
I tell ya, I was sweating like John Kerry trying to get a personality before Thursday’s big speech.
I’m sure you saw this on the news last night the convention center was surrounded by police, FBI, they had sharpshooters on every roof top, security was tighter than John Kerry’s face after a Botox injection.
As you know Teresa Heinz has been taking criticism for telling a reporter to "shove it” the other day. Can you blame Teresa Heinz really? I mean what’s the point of having a billion dollars if you can’t tell someone to "shove it”. Not a lot of minimum wage people going "shove it”!
Did you see Kerry trying to throw out the first pitch at the Red Sox – Yankees game the other night. It didn’t even make it all the way to the plate. In fact, his pitch was so weak, today he was offered a contract with the Arizona Diamondbacks.
Leno
John Kerry threw out the first ball before last night’s Yankees-Red Sox game in Boston. You probably saw that. In fact, Kerry asked "Where do you want me on the field? I can take any position.”
The Democrats opened their convention in Boston. I can’t wait to find out who they’re going to nominate. It’s so exciting!
John Kerry decided on the new party slogan, "The Democratic Party - love it or shove it”.
Teresa Heinz Kerry, Kerry’s wife, got mad at a reporter, told a reporter to "shove it”. It’s a shame how the one America talks to the other America. I wish these two Americas could just get together and iron out their differences.
This has not been a good year for political quotes. When I was a kid, I remember John F. Kennedy, "Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country.” And those were great quotes. What do we have this year? We had "Shove it”, "girlie men”, and Dick Cheney saying "go f yourself.”
The Kerry Campaign said that Kerry will show his "softer” side for the convention. We’ve already seen him and John Edwards fondling each other. How much softer than that can you get? What’s next? The two of them spooning now?
In "ESPN” magazine, John Kerry said he’s learned a lot about life from playing sports. He had to fight! Yeah like so many other kids in impoverished areas who turn to polo as a way out.
In an interview with ESPN magazine, John Kerry says he learned about life from playing sports...Of course, the most frustrating thing about playing sports for John Kerry - finding a helmet that fits.
One of John Kerry’s advisors, Sandy Berger, who was also President Clinton’s National Security Advisor, has stepped down while he’s the target of a criminal investigation. It seems he’s charged with putting classified documents in his pants and sneaking them out of the national archives. In Washington, that’s what’s called "inside the beltway”.
In his defense, he said he didn’t stuff the documents into his pants for security reasons. He said he did it just to impress girls.
This way when girls would say to him, "Hey what’s that bulge in your pants?” He could say, "It’s classified.”
Let's see what's going on with the Democrats, John and Teresa - or as they're called now, Cash and Kerry...
According to the Drudge Report, John Kerry and his wife had a huge argument after the campaign rally in Arizona on Sunday night and had to sleep in separate hotel rooms. So apparently they're going after the Clinton vote.
Apparently what happened, while they were having an intimate moment Kerry accidentally yelled out the name "John Edwards".
According to the papers today, John Kerry said today as president he would remove a large number of our troops from Iraq within the first six months. Well that's smart, don't you think, in a war it's always a good idea to tell the other side when and what your plans are. Like in football, "We're going to fake a field goal."
John Kerry was at the Grand Canyon yesterday. He said he wanted to go some place that made his head look smaller.
John Kerry met with leaders of the Navajo Indian Tribe over the weekend. Kerry said the Indian people have been disrespected in the past, and, under his administration they will be treated with the dignity and reverence that they deserve. Then he got in his Jeep Cherokee and drove away.
Conan
John Kerry recently went to the Grand Canyon. He said that he hasn't seen a crevess that big since he shaved.
Leno
John Kerry has crticized President Bush's reaction on 9/11. John Kerry said if he were reading to children at that moment he would have told then he had something important to attend to. Let me tell you something - if John Kerry was reading to children, first he would have to wake them up. "Kids I gotta go now...kids?!...kids?!"
John Kerry embarked on an 1,800 mile train trip through several key battleground states. 1,800 miles on a train - that is the longest Kerry has even gone without changing direction.
You know the Kerrys and the Edwards went to Wendy's the other day for lunch - made a big deal about it. "We're regular people going to Wendy's..." But when they got back to their bus, they secretly had a gourmet meal delivered from a nearby yacht club. So I guess there really are two Americas...and they don't like the food of the poor one.
This weekend, John Kerry is going to meet with the leaders of the Navajo Indian Tribe. They like Kerry because his head reminds them of a totem pole.
Did you hear about this? John Kerry spoke to a crowd of people in Iowa near a cornfield for a half hour – a half hour before everyone realized it was a scarecrow.
Political experts continue to be baffled over John Kerry’s failure to get a bump in popularity after the Democratic Convention. Jimmy Carter got a bump in 1976. Ronald Reagan received a bump in 1980. And Bill Clinton not only got a bump in 1992, he got a bump and a grind.
Some bad news for John Kerry coming out of the Democratic Convention. The balloons didn’t fall, but apparently his poll numbers did.
Did you hear about this? It’s the first time since 1972 that a candidate didn’t get a bump from their convention. In fact not only didn’t Kerry get a bump but President Bush gained 4 percentage points. And today Bush asked Kerry if he would speak at the Republican Convention too.
Obviously the Democrats are very proud of John Kerry’s service record, as we all should be and they chose those words very carefully. "Decorated war hero”. That’s what they always say when they describe John Kerry. "Decorated war hero.” Here’s why – that appeals to women. War – that’s for the men. Men relate to war. "Decorated” see that gets the gay vote.
Did you watch John Kerry’s speech? Kerry started out his speech by saying "I’m John Kerry and I’m reporting for duty.” And President Bush said "Great!” and sent him to Iraq.
John Kerry broke out his "secret weapon” – a personality.
Kerry said he was really looking forward to giving the speech. Apparently, he said he couldn’t wait to find out what his policies were.
They showed a little montage of his life and in the film they showed a picture of a young John Kerry when he was in a rock band and explained why he did it. He said it was a great way to meet girls. Today President Clinton called him and said, "Hey if you think that’s a great way to meet girls, wait’ll you become president.”
I learned an interesting little bit of trivia about John Kerry. Did you know he was once a soldier in Vietnam? Has that been mentioned before?
John Edwards also had some tough words for Osama bin Laden. He said, "We will destroy you.” Then he said "And if that doesn’t work, we’ll sue your ass.”
Letterman
Everything was exciting. To unwind after the convention John Kerry got together with some of his Vietnam buddies to pull a casino heist.
Did you see Teresa Heinz-Kerry? Her family makes the red bottle ketchup. She’s also the youngest Gabore sister.
Teresa also has a book out. It’s called "It Takes a Villa”.
Leno
On Friday, it was John Edwards wedding anniversary, Edwards, Kerry and their wives all stopped at a Wendy’s to eat. That’s a tradition with the Edwards to always go to Wendy’s on their anniversary because that’s where they went on their first date so they brought the Kerry’s with them. I don’t want to say that Kerry’s wife Teresa had never been to a Wendy’s before, but she ordered the pheasant.
You know this weekend John Kerry was yelling "help is on the way”, no I’m sorry that was Mike Tyson’s trainer trying to get him off the matt.
Did you all see the problems they had with the balloons that were supposed to cascade down onto the stage after the democratic convention? Apparently they got held up. A stagehand was supposed to pull on the lever that dropped the balloons, but he didn’t do it. Finally Teresa Heinz had to get up there and yell at him "shove it…..just shove it.”
John Edwards gave his speech last night and I thought he did a great job considering he was a last minute replacement for John McCain.
In fact Edwards speech was so good, when he finished, the delegates awarded him $80 million plus punitive damages.
Edwards said there are "two Americas”. And then later in the speech, he announced if John Kerry is elected president, they’ll open a third America maybe out near Anaheim possibly…one by Six Flags
We’re learning more and more about potential first lady Teresa Heinz Kerry. Very well educated woman. Did you know that? In fact she can say "shove it” in five different languages.
John Kerry said he would never criticize his wife. When reporters asked him why, he said he had over a billion reasons.
Kilborn
John Edwards was asked to describe what it was like to be around John Kerry and he said, "He’s strong, he’s decisive, and he hogs the covers.”
Leno
I tell ya, I was sweating like John Kerry trying to get a personality before Thursday’s big speech.
I’m sure you saw this on the news last night the convention center was surrounded by police, FBI, they had sharpshooters on every roof top, security was tighter than John Kerry’s face after a Botox injection.
As you know Teresa Heinz has been taking criticism for telling a reporter to "shove it” the other day. Can you blame Teresa Heinz really? I mean what’s the point of having a billion dollars if you can’t tell someone to "shove it”. Not a lot of minimum wage people going "shove it”!
Did you see Kerry trying to throw out the first pitch at the Red Sox – Yankees game the other night. It didn’t even make it all the way to the plate. In fact, his pitch was so weak, today he was offered a contract with the Arizona Diamondbacks.
Leno
John Kerry threw out the first ball before last night’s Yankees-Red Sox game in Boston. You probably saw that. In fact, Kerry asked "Where do you want me on the field? I can take any position.”
The Democrats opened their convention in Boston. I can’t wait to find out who they’re going to nominate. It’s so exciting!
John Kerry decided on the new party slogan, "The Democratic Party - love it or shove it”.
Teresa Heinz Kerry, Kerry’s wife, got mad at a reporter, told a reporter to "shove it”. It’s a shame how the one America talks to the other America. I wish these two Americas could just get together and iron out their differences.
This has not been a good year for political quotes. When I was a kid, I remember John F. Kennedy, "Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country.” And those were great quotes. What do we have this year? We had "Shove it”, "girlie men”, and Dick Cheney saying "go f yourself.”
The Kerry Campaign said that Kerry will show his "softer” side for the convention. We’ve already seen him and John Edwards fondling each other. How much softer than that can you get? What’s next? The two of them spooning now?
In "ESPN” magazine, John Kerry said he’s learned a lot about life from playing sports. He had to fight! Yeah like so many other kids in impoverished areas who turn to polo as a way out.
In an interview with ESPN magazine, John Kerry says he learned about life from playing sports...Of course, the most frustrating thing about playing sports for John Kerry - finding a helmet that fits.
One of John Kerry’s advisors, Sandy Berger, who was also President Clinton’s National Security Advisor, has stepped down while he’s the target of a criminal investigation. It seems he’s charged with putting classified documents in his pants and sneaking them out of the national archives. In Washington, that’s what’s called "inside the beltway”.
In his defense, he said he didn’t stuff the documents into his pants for security reasons. He said he did it just to impress girls.
This way when girls would say to him, "Hey what’s that bulge in your pants?” He could say, "It’s classified.”
