Saturday, July 17, 2004
Leno
John Kerry spoke to NAACP today. And you know you could tell he was pandering, he said the first thing he would do as president was give a full pardon to Whoopie Goldberg.
John Kerry talked about how there were two Americas. He said he knew there were two Americas because every night he has to drive through one America on his way home every night to his America.
Senator John Edwards made his first solo campaign appearance since he was added to the ticket yesterday in Iowa. Apparently, it went so well that Edwards is now thinking of dropping Kerry from the ticket.
How ‘bout Kerry and Edwards, that little honeymoon there? Did you see them tossing that football back and forth all week? "Weeee! Weeee!” I tell you, it’s kind of refreshing to see two Democrats tossing the pigskin instead of fondling it.
Kerry and Edwards are traveling around the country with their big "hands across each other” tour.
Teresa Heinz said on "60 Minutes” Sunday that it was important for her and Elizabeth Edwards to keep their husband honest. Afterwards Hillary Clinton said "Good luck….let me know how that works out….let me know how it’s going”.
Have you been watching Kerry and Edwards on the campaign trial? These guys have done more hugging in four days than Bill and Hillary have done in 26 years?
Kerry is hoping that Edwards will bring in a lot of the female vote because of the way he looks. So Cheney and Edwards are both going after voter’s hearts…but Cheney is looking for a donor.
John Edwards said he was humbled when John Kerry asked him to be his vice presidential running mate. I guess so. You know what’s really humbling? When Ralph Nader asks you to be his vice president. In fact, that’s not even humbling - ego-shattering.
John Kerry says that John Edwards is ready to be vice president. Ready? It takes a blue suite and pulse to be ready!
Well good news for John Edwards, it’s been 24 hours and John Kerry hasn’t changed his mind…..so it’s going to hold…it’s still holding…
It now turns out John Kerry is twice as rich as previously thought. Remember they thought his wife was worth $500 million? Turns out now she’s worth almost a billion! Today President Bush said, see this is proof his tax cuts are working.
That explains why Kerry picked Edwards. Kerry is worth a billion and Edwards is worth $50 million so this way they represent both the haves and the really haves.
Letterman
Are you excited about the Republican and Democratic Conventions this summer? The keynote speakers for the Democratic Convention have been announced. There’s Al Gore, Dick Gephardt and Joe Lieberman. Side effects may include boredom, sleepiness and sexual dysfunction.
John Kerry chose John Edwards to be his running mate. I haven’t seen this much electricity since Dole-Kemp.
John Kerry skipped a meeting over Homeland Security with Tom Ridge because he was too busy. John Kerry told Tom Ridge he was too busy to attend. You’re not supposed to ignore terror threats until after you become president.
This John Kerry and John Edwards ticket is going better than expected. The two have been everywhere together. In fact today they went to Massachusetts and got married.
Conan
In New York City John Kerry played "This Land Is Your Land On Guitar” while many celebrities sang it with him. Later Kerry admitted that much of this land is owned by his wife.
It’s being reported that John Kerry and John Edwards are together worth more a half billion dollars. According to John Kerry and John Edwards that they are so rich now they are going to vote Republican.
The attacks have already started — John Edwards is too inexperienced to be president, he’s too flashy, he’s not up to the job. And those are just the things John Kerry said in the primary.
John Kerry said, "I can’t tell you how proud I am to have John Edwards on my team”, especially after John McCain turned me down.
The "New York Post” this morning published an edition where they wrote that Kerry chose Dick Gephardt. They had it on the front page. Apparently the post blamed their new researcher – Jayson Blair.
The "New York Post” reported John Kerry chose Dick Gephardt. But at the last second, John Kerry decided to go with a candidate with eyebrows.
Kilborn
Last night on Jeopardy Ken Jennings won a million dollars. That is the most money won by a man since John Kerry said, "I do.”
You know about John Kerry’s wife? Theresa Heinz of the Heinz ketchup family. She’s worth more than what we thought. She’s worth a billion dollars! How much ketchup are we using?!
John Kerry spoke to NAACP today. And you know you could tell he was pandering, he said the first thing he would do as president was give a full pardon to Whoopie Goldberg.
John Kerry talked about how there were two Americas. He said he knew there were two Americas because every night he has to drive through one America on his way home every night to his America.
Senator John Edwards made his first solo campaign appearance since he was added to the ticket yesterday in Iowa. Apparently, it went so well that Edwards is now thinking of dropping Kerry from the ticket.
How ‘bout Kerry and Edwards, that little honeymoon there? Did you see them tossing that football back and forth all week? "Weeee! Weeee!” I tell you, it’s kind of refreshing to see two Democrats tossing the pigskin instead of fondling it.
Kerry and Edwards are traveling around the country with their big "hands across each other” tour.
Teresa Heinz said on "60 Minutes” Sunday that it was important for her and Elizabeth Edwards to keep their husband honest. Afterwards Hillary Clinton said "Good luck….let me know how that works out….let me know how it’s going”.
Have you been watching Kerry and Edwards on the campaign trial? These guys have done more hugging in four days than Bill and Hillary have done in 26 years?
Kerry is hoping that Edwards will bring in a lot of the female vote because of the way he looks. So Cheney and Edwards are both going after voter’s hearts…but Cheney is looking for a donor.
John Edwards said he was humbled when John Kerry asked him to be his vice presidential running mate. I guess so. You know what’s really humbling? When Ralph Nader asks you to be his vice president. In fact, that’s not even humbling - ego-shattering.
John Kerry says that John Edwards is ready to be vice president. Ready? It takes a blue suite and pulse to be ready!
Well good news for John Edwards, it’s been 24 hours and John Kerry hasn’t changed his mind…..so it’s going to hold…it’s still holding…
It now turns out John Kerry is twice as rich as previously thought. Remember they thought his wife was worth $500 million? Turns out now she’s worth almost a billion! Today President Bush said, see this is proof his tax cuts are working.
That explains why Kerry picked Edwards. Kerry is worth a billion and Edwards is worth $50 million so this way they represent both the haves and the really haves.
Letterman
Are you excited about the Republican and Democratic Conventions this summer? The keynote speakers for the Democratic Convention have been announced. There’s Al Gore, Dick Gephardt and Joe Lieberman. Side effects may include boredom, sleepiness and sexual dysfunction.
John Kerry chose John Edwards to be his running mate. I haven’t seen this much electricity since Dole-Kemp.
John Kerry skipped a meeting over Homeland Security with Tom Ridge because he was too busy. John Kerry told Tom Ridge he was too busy to attend. You’re not supposed to ignore terror threats until after you become president.
This John Kerry and John Edwards ticket is going better than expected. The two have been everywhere together. In fact today they went to Massachusetts and got married.
Conan
In New York City John Kerry played "This Land Is Your Land On Guitar” while many celebrities sang it with him. Later Kerry admitted that much of this land is owned by his wife.
It’s being reported that John Kerry and John Edwards are together worth more a half billion dollars. According to John Kerry and John Edwards that they are so rich now they are going to vote Republican.
The attacks have already started — John Edwards is too inexperienced to be president, he’s too flashy, he’s not up to the job. And those are just the things John Kerry said in the primary.
John Kerry said, "I can’t tell you how proud I am to have John Edwards on my team”, especially after John McCain turned me down.
The "New York Post” this morning published an edition where they wrote that Kerry chose Dick Gephardt. They had it on the front page. Apparently the post blamed their new researcher – Jayson Blair.
The "New York Post” reported John Kerry chose Dick Gephardt. But at the last second, John Kerry decided to go with a candidate with eyebrows.
Kilborn
Last night on Jeopardy Ken Jennings won a million dollars. That is the most money won by a man since John Kerry said, "I do.”
You know about John Kerry’s wife? Theresa Heinz of the Heinz ketchup family. She’s worth more than what we thought. She’s worth a billion dollars! How much ketchup are we using?!
