Thursday, May 27, 2004
Kilborn
John Kerry just got a $10 million 757 for travel for his campaign. If you have a 757 do you really need to be president?
The 757 weighs 30 tons and can land on the fence.
Conan
”Shrek 2” made $128 million in its first week. In a related story John Kerry has asked Shrek to marry him.
Leno
John Kerry met with Ralph Nader last week. Both sides of every issue were discussed. And then, Nader spoke.
First Kerry fell off his bike, and now Bush fell off his. Can’t we get a man who can pedal a bicycle and be president at the same time?
"Shrek 2” made $104 million this weekend. That is the most money taken in on one weekend since John Kerry’s honeymoon.
I heard today that John Kerry and President Bush may be getting together soon. The bad news, it’s to ride bicycles together.
Bush’s bike accident was different from John Kerry’s accident: Bush fell when he tried turning too hard to the right; Kerry fell when he kept switching gears.
First Kerry, now Bush, you know if Ralph Nader could just stay away from sporting equipment for the next 4 or 5 months, he could win this election by default.
Letterman
Over the weekend President Bush fell off his bicycle. That happened to John Kerry too. The only thing Clinton ever fell off of was an intern.
John Kerry just got a $10 million 757 for travel for his campaign. If you have a 757 do you really need to be president?
The 757 weighs 30 tons and can land on the fence.
Conan
”Shrek 2” made $128 million in its first week. In a related story John Kerry has asked Shrek to marry him.
Leno
John Kerry met with Ralph Nader last week. Both sides of every issue were discussed. And then, Nader spoke.
First Kerry fell off his bike, and now Bush fell off his. Can’t we get a man who can pedal a bicycle and be president at the same time?
"Shrek 2” made $104 million this weekend. That is the most money taken in on one weekend since John Kerry’s honeymoon.
I heard today that John Kerry and President Bush may be getting together soon. The bad news, it’s to ride bicycles together.
Bush’s bike accident was different from John Kerry’s accident: Bush fell when he tried turning too hard to the right; Kerry fell when he kept switching gears.
First Kerry, now Bush, you know if Ralph Nader could just stay away from sporting equipment for the next 4 or 5 months, he could win this election by default.
Letterman
Over the weekend President Bush fell off his bicycle. That happened to John Kerry too. The only thing Clinton ever fell off of was an intern.
Monday, May 17, 2004
Leno
This Sunday John Kerry is coming to Vegas to give a speech and campaign. John Kerry giving a speech…..finally, something exciting to do in this town!
As you might have heard? Courtney Love says she once escorted John Kerry to a concert. John Kerry once went out with Courtney Love? And he questions President Bush’s judgment.?
This Sunday John Kerry is coming to Vegas to give a speech and campaign. John Kerry giving a speech…..finally, something exciting to do in this town!
As you might have heard? Courtney Love says she once escorted John Kerry to a concert. John Kerry once went out with Courtney Love? And he questions President Bush’s judgment.?
Saturday, May 08, 2004
Kerry and the Puppie
John Kerry was out jogging one morning, when he came to an apartment complex.
Sitting outside on the steps was a cute little girl with a big box.
As Kerry jogged closer, he could see that the box was full of adorable puppies.
He went to the little girl and said "Awww...those are the cutest puppies"
The little girl said "These aren't puppies. I call them Democrats."
Kerry thought this was really cute and said "Well, that's so sweet!"
A few days later, Teresa was jogging with John Kerry when they came to the same building with the little girl outside.
The girl was still there with the box. John nudged Teresa and said "Watch this."
He asked the little girl, "What have you got there? Puppies?"
The little girl shook her head and said "No, not puppies, I call them Republicans."
Kerry was shocked. He said "But I thought you said they were Democrats???"
The little girl said "Well, they were...but now they've got their eyes open!!"
John Kerry was out jogging one morning, when he came to an apartment complex.
Sitting outside on the steps was a cute little girl with a big box.
As Kerry jogged closer, he could see that the box was full of adorable puppies.
He went to the little girl and said "Awww...those are the cutest puppies"
The little girl said "These aren't puppies. I call them Democrats."
Kerry thought this was really cute and said "Well, that's so sweet!"
A few days later, Teresa was jogging with John Kerry when they came to the same building with the little girl outside.
The girl was still there with the box. John nudged Teresa and said "Watch this."
He asked the little girl, "What have you got there? Puppies?"
The little girl shook her head and said "No, not puppies, I call them Republicans."
Kerry was shocked. He said "But I thought you said they were Democrats???"
The little girl said "Well, they were...but now they've got their eyes open!!"
No Great Loss
John Kerry is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a "tragedy."
One little boy stands up and offers that, "If my best friend who lives next door is playing in the street when a car came by and killed him, that would be a tragedy."
"No," Kerry says, "That would be an ACCIDENT."
A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone inside...that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explains Kerry. "That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS."
The room is silent; none of the other children dare volunteer.
"What?" asks Kerry, "Isn't there anyone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says: "If an airplane carrying John and Teresa Kerry was blown up by a bomb, *that* would be a tragedy."
"Wonderful!" Kerry beams. "Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss!"
John Kerry is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a "tragedy."
One little boy stands up and offers that, "If my best friend who lives next door is playing in the street when a car came by and killed him, that would be a tragedy."
"No," Kerry says, "That would be an ACCIDENT."
A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone inside...that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explains Kerry. "That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS."
The room is silent; none of the other children dare volunteer.
"What?" asks Kerry, "Isn't there anyone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says: "If an airplane carrying John and Teresa Kerry was blown up by a bomb, *that* would be a tragedy."
"Wonderful!" Kerry beams. "Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss!"
Horses A**
A guy is sitting at a bar and orders a drink. At the same time the TV go's on and there is John Kerry about to give a speech.
The man yells, "There's a horses a**"
A guy gets up and punches him...
Then when Teresa Heinz Kerry came on stage, he said the same, "There's a horses A**....
He then got punched again...
After getting up from the flloor again... he says to the bartender, "What is this Kerry country.."
The bartender says no, "Horse country"
A guy is sitting at a bar and orders a drink. At the same time the TV go's on and there is John Kerry about to give a speech.
The man yells, "There's a horses a**"
A guy gets up and punches him...
Then when Teresa Heinz Kerry came on stage, he said the same, "There's a horses A**....
He then got punched again...
After getting up from the flloor again... he says to the bartender, "What is this Kerry country.."
The bartender says no, "Horse country"
Friday, May 07, 2004
Leno
Kerry was here today in Los Angeles, he was courting the Spanish vote by speaking Spanish. And he showed people he could be boring in two languages.
John Kerry will soon be taking a bus tour of some of the swing states. Kerry said he didn’t wanna take the bus, but his bike was much too dangerous!
Kerry was here today in Los Angeles, he was courting the Spanish vote by speaking Spanish. And he showed people he could be boring in two languages.
John Kerry will soon be taking a bus tour of some of the swing states. Kerry said he didn’t wanna take the bus, but his bike was much too dangerous!
Wednesday, May 05, 2004
Leno
Like President Bush, this week John Kerry's campaign is taking a bus tour of some of the swing states. Actually, at first Kerry didn't realize he was riding in a bus, he thought it was one of his wife's SUV’s.
John Kerry fell off his bicycle over the weekend. He went for a Sunday afternoon ride and fell off in front of the news media. Luckily his hair broke the fall.
Luckily Kerry was not seriously injured. In fact, Kerry when the police arrived, Kerry was well enough to give conflicting reports to an officer about what happened.
Did you see this yesterday? Senator John Kerry is reportedly okay after falling off his bicycle yesterday. Luckily, he landed on his wallet; so he was fine.
Letterman
President Bush is out on the campaign trail. He has an advantage over John Kerry. He has Air Force One and now this new bus they rent for $45,000 per week. And John Kerry is just falling off of bicycles.
For All The Jokes You Missed About Kerry- (Click Here) John Kerry Is A Joke
Like President Bush, this week John Kerry's campaign is taking a bus tour of some of the swing states. Actually, at first Kerry didn't realize he was riding in a bus, he thought it was one of his wife's SUV’s.
John Kerry fell off his bicycle over the weekend. He went for a Sunday afternoon ride and fell off in front of the news media. Luckily his hair broke the fall.
Luckily Kerry was not seriously injured. In fact, Kerry when the police arrived, Kerry was well enough to give conflicting reports to an officer about what happened.
Did you see this yesterday? Senator John Kerry is reportedly okay after falling off his bicycle yesterday. Luckily, he landed on his wallet; so he was fine.
Letterman
President Bush is out on the campaign trail. He has an advantage over John Kerry. He has Air Force One and now this new bus they rent for $45,000 per week. And John Kerry is just falling off of bicycles.
For All The Jokes You Missed About Kerry- (Click Here) John Kerry Is A Joke
Saturday, May 01, 2004
Leno
Today’s my birthday – I got a lovely gift. Today someone gave me the new John Kerry answering machine. The only problem - it doesn’t have a message.
The big story today is John Kerry’s hair. This happens every election. It happened to Clinton a couple elections back. John Kerry reportedly flew in his private hairdresser before his "Meet The Press” interview for a total cost of $1000. $1000 for a haircut. Which sounds like a lot but have you seen the size of John Kerry’s head..
If you’re just paying them by the hour, you’re looking at about eight bucks.
John Kerry was talking about his concerns for the environment the other day. But when a reporter asked him if he owned the SUV that was in his driveway he said that it belonged to his wife. And the car that was in the living room, belonged to Billy Joel.
John Kerry was giving a big speech about the environment and a reporter asked him if he owned a SUV and he said, "No I do not.”
And then the reporter asked him "What about the Chevy Suburban in the driveway?” He said "That’s my wife’s.” Thanks for clearing that up. Thank God it’s not politics as usual.
Today’s my birthday – I got a lovely gift. Today someone gave me the new John Kerry answering machine. The only problem - it doesn’t have a message.
The big story today is John Kerry’s hair. This happens every election. It happened to Clinton a couple elections back. John Kerry reportedly flew in his private hairdresser before his "Meet The Press” interview for a total cost of $1000. $1000 for a haircut. Which sounds like a lot but have you seen the size of John Kerry’s head..
If you’re just paying them by the hour, you’re looking at about eight bucks.
John Kerry was talking about his concerns for the environment the other day. But when a reporter asked him if he owned the SUV that was in his driveway he said that it belonged to his wife. And the car that was in the living room, belonged to Billy Joel.
John Kerry was giving a big speech about the environment and a reporter asked him if he owned a SUV and he said, "No I do not.”
And then the reporter asked him "What about the Chevy Suburban in the driveway?” He said "That’s my wife’s.” Thanks for clearing that up. Thank God it’s not politics as usual.
