Tuesday, September 21, 2004
Leno
Yesterday John Kerry was in Las Vegas, George Bush was there Tuesday, and Ralph Nader will be in Vegas tomorrow. He’s not addressing anyone, he’s just going to the star trek experience at the Vegas Hilton!
Bush and Cheney say they are targeting people who can’t make up their mind. So they’re hoping to get John Kerry’s vote.
Senator Ted Kennedy hitting the campaign trail with John Kerry. You know what they say – two huge heads are better than one.
In Vegas today Kerry accused Bush of "living in a fantasy world.” And everyone in Vegas immediately said, "So? Duh!”
Here’s some trivia - the TV show "Green Acres” debuted on this day in 1965. It was a very funny show about a stuffy pompous lawyer and his rich wife with the foreign accent. Or as John Kerry and his wife call them, trailblazers.
John Kerry campaigned in Wisconsin today. It was reported he had a huge cheese head on. Turns out that was his actual head.
As you know, we've been having some wild weather, and that could affect the vote on Election Day. For example: if there's a hurricane in Texas, Kerry could win. If there's a rainstorm in Massachusetts, Bush could win. And if it "snows in hell”, Ralph Nader will win.
Boy there is nothing but disasters on the news – Hurricane Frances, Hurricane Ivan, the Kerry campaign.
According to the latest crime statistics, crime in the U.S. is at a 30 year low. It’s the lowest it’s been since 1972. Today John Kerry blamed this on President Bush. He said, "See even criminals are having a hard time finding jobs to pull off.”
Today John Kerry’s unveiled his newest campaign slogan... "A mind is a terrible thing to makeup.”
One thing about Kerry - Kerry just can’t seem to shake his rich guy image. Like today he challenged President Bush to three debates and a yacht race.
I watched "That 70’s Show” last night. Or as we call it the Bush and Kerry Campaign.
Teresa Heinz Kerry said today that only an idiot would fail to support her husband’s health care plan. See I’m confused. I thought she was John Kerry’s health care plan, his economic plan and his retirement plan.
According to a global poll, if the world could vote for President of the United States they would choose John Kerry over George Bush. However when you widen the poll to the federation of planets, Ralph Nader wins.
According to this poll, China overwhelmingly said they would vote for Kerry. China? They can’t even vote in their own country. Shut up!
Here’s the interesting part – these countries said they would choose John Kerry over George Bush even though most people polled had no idea what John Kerry stands for. So in that way, I guess they’re just like Americans.
Letterman
John Kerry is saying that the "W” in George W. Bush stands for "wrong”. This still doesn’t explain what John Kerry stands for.
Leno
As you know, Kerry is now behind Bush in the polls, so he’s trying to reach out to more people. I guess the Kerry campaign has been experimenting with new slogans. They sound kind of familiar. Have you heard his latest one? "Did somebody say Vietnam”?
Letterman
Pundits say John Kerry’s message is garbled. You know it’s bad when you’re running against Bush and your message is garbled.
Leno
John Kerry called Bill Clinton Saturday night at the hospital. They said that Clinton talked to Kerry for 90 minutes giving him advice. Clinton reportedly told Kerry to stop talking about Vietnam. Not during the campaign. Just during the phone call. "Will you stop? I’m in the hospital.”
Today John Kerry rushed to the hospital with chest pains after seeing his latest poll numbers. Oh man, doesn’t look good.
Bush is up 10 points, 11 points. Doesn’t look good. Not only is Bush ahead overall, he’s also ahead in a lot of key issues like Iraq, terrorism and the economy. But Kerry is ahead on grammar and pronunciation, and overall nuance.
John Kerry has a new theme to his campaign, he says the "W” in George W. Bush stands for "wrong”. The wrong direction, the wrong policy. Gee I wonder if Bush will say the "F” in John "F” Kerry stands for "flip-flop”. Are these guys running for president of the 8th grade?
Letterman
Are you getting excited about the elections? John Kerry is slipping in the polls. He’s starting to lose confidence and you can tell because at campaign stops he’s now saying, "I’m just thrilled to be nominated.” That’s it, just thrilled to be nominated.
Leno
Did you read this strange story – a woman was caught trying to pass a counterfeit $200 bill that had a picture of George W. Bush on it. Turns out there was also a John Kerry bill. It’s pretty realistic. Kerry’s on both sides.
And of course the big story – it looks like both John Kerry and Bill Clinton both have purple hearts.
John Kerry held a midnight rally in Ohio right after the Republican Convention...John Kerry giving a speech at midnight - how hard was it to stay awake at that?
Today John Kerry campaigned in 3 states. Anger, denial, and bruiting indecision.
John Kerry keeping a low profile this week. He said he wanted to get away and go someplace where no one would expect to see him. So I guess he showed up at his old seat in the senate. Nobody’s going to look for him there.
Letterman
Here’s some important news. The U.S. is bracing for its third hurricane this year. When John Kerry heard this he said, "This is proof that President Bush is losing the war on weather.”
Leno
Did you see the pictures in the paper today of John Kerry windsurfing? He’s at his home in Nantucket this week, doing his favorite thing, windsurfing. Even his hobby depends on which way the wind blows.
Letterman
John Kerry spent yesterday wind surfing – because when you’re in a statistical dead heat you just want to kick back and relax.
Leno
In the latest issue of "GQ” magazine, John Kerry talks about what a man should look for in a woman. "GQ”? If John Kerry is going to talk about what he likes in a woman, shouldn’t it be in "Fortune” or "Money” magazine?
Yesterday Vice President Dick Cheney attacked John Kerry. He said that John Kerry "lacks deeply held convictions". Today Kerry shot back, he said, "That's not completely true."
The opening ceremony also featured these giant statues. Did you see them? I saw this one giant statue with an enormous 40 foot head, and then I realized it was the new John Kerry campaign commercial.
Yesterday John Kerry was in Las Vegas, George Bush was there Tuesday, and Ralph Nader will be in Vegas tomorrow. He’s not addressing anyone, he’s just going to the star trek experience at the Vegas Hilton!
Bush and Cheney say they are targeting people who can’t make up their mind. So they’re hoping to get John Kerry’s vote.
Senator Ted Kennedy hitting the campaign trail with John Kerry. You know what they say – two huge heads are better than one.
In Vegas today Kerry accused Bush of "living in a fantasy world.” And everyone in Vegas immediately said, "So? Duh!”
Here’s some trivia - the TV show "Green Acres” debuted on this day in 1965. It was a very funny show about a stuffy pompous lawyer and his rich wife with the foreign accent. Or as John Kerry and his wife call them, trailblazers.
John Kerry campaigned in Wisconsin today. It was reported he had a huge cheese head on. Turns out that was his actual head.
As you know, we've been having some wild weather, and that could affect the vote on Election Day. For example: if there's a hurricane in Texas, Kerry could win. If there's a rainstorm in Massachusetts, Bush could win. And if it "snows in hell”, Ralph Nader will win.
Boy there is nothing but disasters on the news – Hurricane Frances, Hurricane Ivan, the Kerry campaign.
According to the latest crime statistics, crime in the U.S. is at a 30 year low. It’s the lowest it’s been since 1972. Today John Kerry blamed this on President Bush. He said, "See even criminals are having a hard time finding jobs to pull off.”
Today John Kerry’s unveiled his newest campaign slogan... "A mind is a terrible thing to makeup.”
One thing about Kerry - Kerry just can’t seem to shake his rich guy image. Like today he challenged President Bush to three debates and a yacht race.
I watched "That 70’s Show” last night. Or as we call it the Bush and Kerry Campaign.
Teresa Heinz Kerry said today that only an idiot would fail to support her husband’s health care plan. See I’m confused. I thought she was John Kerry’s health care plan, his economic plan and his retirement plan.
According to a global poll, if the world could vote for President of the United States they would choose John Kerry over George Bush. However when you widen the poll to the federation of planets, Ralph Nader wins.
According to this poll, China overwhelmingly said they would vote for Kerry. China? They can’t even vote in their own country. Shut up!
Here’s the interesting part – these countries said they would choose John Kerry over George Bush even though most people polled had no idea what John Kerry stands for. So in that way, I guess they’re just like Americans.
Letterman
John Kerry is saying that the "W” in George W. Bush stands for "wrong”. This still doesn’t explain what John Kerry stands for.
Leno
As you know, Kerry is now behind Bush in the polls, so he’s trying to reach out to more people. I guess the Kerry campaign has been experimenting with new slogans. They sound kind of familiar. Have you heard his latest one? "Did somebody say Vietnam”?
Letterman
Pundits say John Kerry’s message is garbled. You know it’s bad when you’re running against Bush and your message is garbled.
Leno
John Kerry called Bill Clinton Saturday night at the hospital. They said that Clinton talked to Kerry for 90 minutes giving him advice. Clinton reportedly told Kerry to stop talking about Vietnam. Not during the campaign. Just during the phone call. "Will you stop? I’m in the hospital.”
Today John Kerry rushed to the hospital with chest pains after seeing his latest poll numbers. Oh man, doesn’t look good.
Bush is up 10 points, 11 points. Doesn’t look good. Not only is Bush ahead overall, he’s also ahead in a lot of key issues like Iraq, terrorism and the economy. But Kerry is ahead on grammar and pronunciation, and overall nuance.
John Kerry has a new theme to his campaign, he says the "W” in George W. Bush stands for "wrong”. The wrong direction, the wrong policy. Gee I wonder if Bush will say the "F” in John "F” Kerry stands for "flip-flop”. Are these guys running for president of the 8th grade?
Letterman
Are you getting excited about the elections? John Kerry is slipping in the polls. He’s starting to lose confidence and you can tell because at campaign stops he’s now saying, "I’m just thrilled to be nominated.” That’s it, just thrilled to be nominated.
Leno
Did you read this strange story – a woman was caught trying to pass a counterfeit $200 bill that had a picture of George W. Bush on it. Turns out there was also a John Kerry bill. It’s pretty realistic. Kerry’s on both sides.
And of course the big story – it looks like both John Kerry and Bill Clinton both have purple hearts.
John Kerry held a midnight rally in Ohio right after the Republican Convention...John Kerry giving a speech at midnight - how hard was it to stay awake at that?
Today John Kerry campaigned in 3 states. Anger, denial, and bruiting indecision.
John Kerry keeping a low profile this week. He said he wanted to get away and go someplace where no one would expect to see him. So I guess he showed up at his old seat in the senate. Nobody’s going to look for him there.
Letterman
Here’s some important news. The U.S. is bracing for its third hurricane this year. When John Kerry heard this he said, "This is proof that President Bush is losing the war on weather.”
Leno
Did you see the pictures in the paper today of John Kerry windsurfing? He’s at his home in Nantucket this week, doing his favorite thing, windsurfing. Even his hobby depends on which way the wind blows.
Letterman
John Kerry spent yesterday wind surfing – because when you’re in a statistical dead heat you just want to kick back and relax.
Leno
In the latest issue of "GQ” magazine, John Kerry talks about what a man should look for in a woman. "GQ”? If John Kerry is going to talk about what he likes in a woman, shouldn’t it be in "Fortune” or "Money” magazine?
Yesterday Vice President Dick Cheney attacked John Kerry. He said that John Kerry "lacks deeply held convictions". Today Kerry shot back, he said, "That's not completely true."
The opening ceremony also featured these giant statues. Did you see them? I saw this one giant statue with an enormous 40 foot head, and then I realized it was the new John Kerry campaign commercial.
