Wednesday, April 12, 2006
John Kerry Stump Speech
Good evening ladies and gentleman:
First of all I want to make this clear. George W. Bush misled us about weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. When I voted to authorize force, I was actually voting to threaten the use of force.
When I voted for the $87 billion for Iraq before I voted against it, I was voting to protest the plagiarizing George W. Bush was doing to Bill Clinton's Iraq policies. You see, I remember that day December 16, 1998 when Bill Clinton unilaterally bombed Iraq over weapons of mass destruction. It was Operation Desert Fox. I remember it so well, because even France didn't protest it. Speaking of foxes, have you seen my wife TaRayZaaaa? Glad she was loaded before I married her. Anyway, I want to recap for you where I was during Clinton's speech.
In the afternoon, I had one of the better Botox treatments I have ever had. I had a pedicure, a $1000 haircut and then I worked on my Lurch impersonation in the mirror. I then had big decisions to make. Should I pollute the ocean with my middle class yacht, or go flying in my everyman's corporate jet? I had been looking for that hole in the ozone layer for quite a while and I was in the mood to burn some jet-fuel, so I went flying.
When I got back on the ground, Clinton was just starting his speech and I listened on the radio.
Clinton said, "Saddam Hussein must not be allowed to threaten his neighbors or the world with nuclear arms, poison gas or biological weapons."
I mentioned this to Ted Kennedy who I bumped into on his way to happy hour in Chappaquidick and he said, "Uh, ah yeah it's about time he mentioned those martini's of mass inebriation." A passerby asked, "Are you Senator Kennedy?" and he responded "No, but I did get drunk at a Holiday Inn Express last night."
I then made it home, and heard Clinton say, "The hard fact is that so long as Saddam remains in power, he threatens the well-being of his people, the peace of his region, the security of the world."
Not bad. I called Michael Moore, but his chef said he had just reserved the entire dining room of the Old Country Buffet for the filming of his new autobiographical documentary "And You Thought Anna Nicole Smith Could Chow."
Clinton then said, "The best way to end that threat once and for all is with a new Iraqi government -- a government ready to live in peace with its neighbors, a government that respects the rights of its people."
I tried Al Gore on his cell phone knowing he was probably tweaking the Internet he invented and was most likely not listening to Clinton's speech.
Al told me the best line was yet to come and he was proud that we had a leader who was going to stick it to Saddam. He also said we were lucky that most of the world and most importantly the media would never second guess a Democrat for bombing a soverign country like Iraq. In fact, Al made a prediction that even if a Republican were to bomb Iraq in the future over weapons of mass destruction, we could say that Republican was lying and misleading the American people and that might open the door for another Democrat to be president. The French would back us for sure (they need the kickbacks from the oil for food program) and, without question, the media would too. I put that prediction in my back pocket and listened to Clinton finish his speech.
Clinton concluded about Saddam, "And mark my words, he will develop weapons of mass destruction. He will deploy them, and he will use them."
I then dozed off and dreamt I was accepting the Democratic party nomination for president. It was a weird dream. The Democratic convention was in Paris and I was giving the speech in French......
*Clinton quotes courtesy of the transcript of his speech to the American people, December 16, 1998 which can be found below...
Good evening ladies and gentleman:
First of all I want to make this clear. George W. Bush misled us about weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. When I voted to authorize force, I was actually voting to threaten the use of force.
When I voted for the $87 billion for Iraq before I voted against it, I was voting to protest the plagiarizing George W. Bush was doing to Bill Clinton's Iraq policies. You see, I remember that day December 16, 1998 when Bill Clinton unilaterally bombed Iraq over weapons of mass destruction. It was Operation Desert Fox. I remember it so well, because even France didn't protest it. Speaking of foxes, have you seen my wife TaRayZaaaa? Glad she was loaded before I married her. Anyway, I want to recap for you where I was during Clinton's speech.
In the afternoon, I had one of the better Botox treatments I have ever had. I had a pedicure, a $1000 haircut and then I worked on my Lurch impersonation in the mirror. I then had big decisions to make. Should I pollute the ocean with my middle class yacht, or go flying in my everyman's corporate jet? I had been looking for that hole in the ozone layer for quite a while and I was in the mood to burn some jet-fuel, so I went flying.
When I got back on the ground, Clinton was just starting his speech and I listened on the radio.
Clinton said, "Saddam Hussein must not be allowed to threaten his neighbors or the world with nuclear arms, poison gas or biological weapons."
I mentioned this to Ted Kennedy who I bumped into on his way to happy hour in Chappaquidick and he said, "Uh, ah yeah it's about time he mentioned those martini's of mass inebriation." A passerby asked, "Are you Senator Kennedy?" and he responded "No, but I did get drunk at a Holiday Inn Express last night."
I then made it home, and heard Clinton say, "The hard fact is that so long as Saddam remains in power, he threatens the well-being of his people, the peace of his region, the security of the world."
Not bad. I called Michael Moore, but his chef said he had just reserved the entire dining room of the Old Country Buffet for the filming of his new autobiographical documentary "And You Thought Anna Nicole Smith Could Chow."
Clinton then said, "The best way to end that threat once and for all is with a new Iraqi government -- a government ready to live in peace with its neighbors, a government that respects the rights of its people."
I tried Al Gore on his cell phone knowing he was probably tweaking the Internet he invented and was most likely not listening to Clinton's speech.
Al told me the best line was yet to come and he was proud that we had a leader who was going to stick it to Saddam. He also said we were lucky that most of the world and most importantly the media would never second guess a Democrat for bombing a soverign country like Iraq. In fact, Al made a prediction that even if a Republican were to bomb Iraq in the future over weapons of mass destruction, we could say that Republican was lying and misleading the American people and that might open the door for another Democrat to be president. The French would back us for sure (they need the kickbacks from the oil for food program) and, without question, the media would too. I put that prediction in my back pocket and listened to Clinton finish his speech.
Clinton concluded about Saddam, "And mark my words, he will develop weapons of mass destruction. He will deploy them, and he will use them."
I then dozed off and dreamt I was accepting the Democratic party nomination for president. It was a weird dream. The Democratic convention was in Paris and I was giving the speech in French......
*Clinton quotes courtesy of the transcript of his speech to the American people, December 16, 1998 which can be found below...
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
JOB APPLICATION
NAME: John Kerry
RESIDENCE: 7 mansions, including Washington, DC, worth multimillions.
EDUCATION AND EXPERIENCE:
Law Enforcement. I voted to cut every law enforcement, CIA and defense bill in my career as a US Senator. I ordered Boston to remove a fire hydrant which I considered unsightly, in front of my mansion, thereby endangering my neighbors in the event of fire.
MILITARY:
I used three minor injuries to get an early discharge from the military and service in Vietnam. I then returned to the US, joined Jane Fonda in protesting the war, and insulted returning Vietnam vets, claiming they committed atrocities and were baby killers. I threw my medals, ribbons, or something away in protest. Or did I? My book; Vietnam Veterans Against the War: The New Soldier shows how I truly feel about the military. I deplore the military!
COLLEGE:
I graduated from Yale University with a low C average. Unlike my counterpart George Bush, I have no higher education and did not get admitted to Harvard nor graduate with an M.B.A
PAST WORK EXPERIENCE:
I ran for U.S. Congress and have been there ever since. I have no real world experience except that of a gigolo, by marrying rich women and running HJ Heinz vicariously through my wife Teresa.
ACCOMPLISHMENTS:
As a US Senator I set the record for the most liberal voting record, exceeding even Ted Kennedy and Hillary Clinton. I have consistently failed to support our military and CIA by voting against budgets, thus gutting our country's ability to defend itself. Although I voted for the Iraq War, now I am against it and refuse to admit that I voted for it. I voted for every liberal piece of legislation. I have no plan to help this country but I intend to raise taxes significantly if I am elected.
My wealth so far exceeds that of my counterpart, George Bush, that he will never catch up. I make no or little charitable contributions and have never agreed to pay any voluntary excess taxes in MA, despite family wealth in excess of $700 million.
I (we) own 28 manufacturing plants (Heinz) outside of the U.S. in places like Asia, Mexico and Europe. We can make more profit from the cheaper cost of labor in those Countries, although blame George Bush for sending all of the jobs out of Country.
Although I claim to be in favor of alternative energy sources, Ted Kennedy and I oppose windmills off Nantucket and Martha's Vineyard as it might spoil our view of the ocean as we cruise on our yachts.
RECORDS AND REFERENCES:
None.
PERSONAL
I ride a Serotta Bike.
My Gulfstream V Jet I call The Flying Squirrel.
I call my $850,000 42-foot Hinckley twin diesel yacht the "Scarmouche."
I am fascinated by rap and hip-hop and feel it reflects our real culture.
I own several "Large" SUVs including one parked at my Nantucket summer mansion, though I am against large polluting inefficient vehicles and blame George Bush for the energy problems.
PLEASE CONSIDER MY EXPERIENCE
kerrysucks.com
NAME: John Kerry
RESIDENCE: 7 mansions, including Washington, DC, worth multimillions.
EDUCATION AND EXPERIENCE:
Law Enforcement. I voted to cut every law enforcement, CIA and defense bill in my career as a US Senator. I ordered Boston to remove a fire hydrant which I considered unsightly, in front of my mansion, thereby endangering my neighbors in the event of fire.
MILITARY:
I used three minor injuries to get an early discharge from the military and service in Vietnam. I then returned to the US, joined Jane Fonda in protesting the war, and insulted returning Vietnam vets, claiming they committed atrocities and were baby killers. I threw my medals, ribbons, or something away in protest. Or did I? My book; Vietnam Veterans Against the War: The New Soldier shows how I truly feel about the military. I deplore the military!
COLLEGE:
I graduated from Yale University with a low C average. Unlike my counterpart George Bush, I have no higher education and did not get admitted to Harvard nor graduate with an M.B.A
PAST WORK EXPERIENCE:
I ran for U.S. Congress and have been there ever since. I have no real world experience except that of a gigolo, by marrying rich women and running HJ Heinz vicariously through my wife Teresa.
ACCOMPLISHMENTS:
As a US Senator I set the record for the most liberal voting record, exceeding even Ted Kennedy and Hillary Clinton. I have consistently failed to support our military and CIA by voting against budgets, thus gutting our country's ability to defend itself. Although I voted for the Iraq War, now I am against it and refuse to admit that I voted for it. I voted for every liberal piece of legislation. I have no plan to help this country but I intend to raise taxes significantly if I am elected.
My wealth so far exceeds that of my counterpart, George Bush, that he will never catch up. I make no or little charitable contributions and have never agreed to pay any voluntary excess taxes in MA, despite family wealth in excess of $700 million.
I (we) own 28 manufacturing plants (Heinz) outside of the U.S. in places like Asia, Mexico and Europe. We can make more profit from the cheaper cost of labor in those Countries, although blame George Bush for sending all of the jobs out of Country.
Although I claim to be in favor of alternative energy sources, Ted Kennedy and I oppose windmills off Nantucket and Martha's Vineyard as it might spoil our view of the ocean as we cruise on our yachts.
RECORDS AND REFERENCES:
None.
PERSONAL
I ride a Serotta Bike.
My Gulfstream V Jet I call The Flying Squirrel.
I call my $850,000 42-foot Hinckley twin diesel yacht the "Scarmouche."
I am fascinated by rap and hip-hop and feel it reflects our real culture.
I own several "Large" SUVs including one parked at my Nantucket summer mansion, though I am against large polluting inefficient vehicles and blame George Bush for the energy problems.
PLEASE CONSIDER MY EXPERIENCE
kerrysucks.com
