Friday, October 22, 2004
White House 2005
(Sent to us by Alice and Harold Wood)
One sunny day in 2005, an old man approached the White House from
across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench.
He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in
and meet with President Kerry."
The Marine replied, "Sir, Mr. Kerry is not President and doesn't
reside here."
The old man said, "Okay," And walked away.
The following day, the same man approached the White House, and said
to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President
Kerry"
The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Kerry is
not President and doesn't reside here."
The man thanked him and again walked away.
The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to
the very same Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with
President Kerry."
The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man
and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking
to speak to Mr. Kerry. I've told you already that Mr. Kerry is not the
President and doesn't reside here. Don't you understand?"
The old man answered, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it.
The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you
tomorrow."
Thanks to Alice and Harold Wood of Ga
(Sent to us by Alice and Harold Wood)
One sunny day in 2005, an old man approached the White House from
across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench.
He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in
and meet with President Kerry."
The Marine replied, "Sir, Mr. Kerry is not President and doesn't
reside here."
The old man said, "Okay," And walked away.
The following day, the same man approached the White House, and said
to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President
Kerry"
The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Kerry is
not President and doesn't reside here."
The man thanked him and again walked away.
The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to
the very same Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with
President Kerry."
The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man
and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking
to speak to Mr. Kerry. I've told you already that Mr. Kerry is not the
President and doesn't reside here. Don't you understand?"
The old man answered, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it.
The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you
tomorrow."
Thanks to Alice and Harold Wood of Ga
Making People Happy
(Sent to Us By Ed and Norma Bzdyk)
Bill and Hillary Clinton and John Kerry are flying on Kerry's wife's
private jet. Bill looks at Hillary, chuckles and says, "You know, I could
throw a $100.00 bill out the window right now and make somebody very happy."
Hillary shrugs her shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten 10.00
bills out the window and make 10 people very happy."
Kerry says, "Of course then, I could throw one-hundred $1.00 bills out
the window and make a hundred people very happy."
The pilot rolls his eyes, looks at all of them and says to his co-pilot, I
could throw all of them out the window and make this whole country happy!
Thanks to Ed and Norma Bzdyk Of Milledgeville Ga
(Sent to Us By Ed and Norma Bzdyk)
Bill and Hillary Clinton and John Kerry are flying on Kerry's wife's
private jet. Bill looks at Hillary, chuckles and says, "You know, I could
throw a $100.00 bill out the window right now and make somebody very happy."
Hillary shrugs her shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten 10.00
bills out the window and make 10 people very happy."
Kerry says, "Of course then, I could throw one-hundred $1.00 bills out
the window and make a hundred people very happy."
The pilot rolls his eyes, looks at all of them and says to his co-pilot, I
could throw all of them out the window and make this whole country happy!
Thanks to Ed and Norma Bzdyk Of Milledgeville Ga
The Robot Barber
(Sent to Us By Martha Harrison From Her Cousin Larry Wilkes)
A new barber shop opened in Troy and everybody was talking about it. The buzz is because it has a robot barber.
Well, you know ole Byron, he decides he has to see this for himself. So he goes in and sits in the chair. Sure enough, a robot is cutting hair. Byron specifies his cut style, and the robot asks him his IQ.
Byron replies 150. With that, the robot begins discussing particle physics, the development of hydrogen power cells and global warming.
Byron thought this was pretty impressive. But he wondered what would happen if he didn't claim to be quite as smart. So, a week later, he goes right back in there and climbs in the chair for another trim. Again, the robot asks him his IQ.
This time Byron tells him it's 100. So the robot starts discussing football, basketball and the proper way to grill a steak.
This was really something. And as always, Byron wants to know just how good this robot really is. Yep, you guessed it, the very next week Byron is in the chair getting what's left of his hair cut even shorter. (By this time his hair is almost gone.) Again, the robot asks him his IQ.
This time he tells the robot his IQ is 50. The robot asks, "So, are you Democrats excited about the Kerry-Edwards ticket?"
(Thanks to Martha Harrison Of Utah And Her Cousin Larry Wilkes)
(Sent to Us By Martha Harrison From Her Cousin Larry Wilkes)
A new barber shop opened in Troy and everybody was talking about it. The buzz is because it has a robot barber.
Well, you know ole Byron, he decides he has to see this for himself. So he goes in and sits in the chair. Sure enough, a robot is cutting hair. Byron specifies his cut style, and the robot asks him his IQ.
Byron replies 150. With that, the robot begins discussing particle physics, the development of hydrogen power cells and global warming.
Byron thought this was pretty impressive. But he wondered what would happen if he didn't claim to be quite as smart. So, a week later, he goes right back in there and climbs in the chair for another trim. Again, the robot asks him his IQ.
This time Byron tells him it's 100. So the robot starts discussing football, basketball and the proper way to grill a steak.
This was really something. And as always, Byron wants to know just how good this robot really is. Yep, you guessed it, the very next week Byron is in the chair getting what's left of his hair cut even shorter. (By this time his hair is almost gone.) Again, the robot asks him his IQ.
This time he tells the robot his IQ is 50. The robot asks, "So, are you Democrats excited about the Kerry-Edwards ticket?"
(Thanks to Martha Harrison Of Utah And Her Cousin Larry Wilkes)
Heaven's Clock
(Sent to Us By Ed and Norma Bzdyk)
A man died and went to heaven.
As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge
wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a
Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that
she never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have
moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's Senator Kerry's clock?" asked the man.
"Kerry's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
Thanks to Ed and Norma Bzdyk Of Milledgeville Ga
(Sent to Us By Ed and Norma Bzdyk)
A man died and went to heaven.
As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge
wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a
Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that
she never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have
moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's Senator Kerry's clock?" asked the man.
"Kerry's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
Thanks to Ed and Norma Bzdyk Of Milledgeville Ga
Leno
Although Bush said he wasn’t getting a flu shot, Kerry got a flu shot yesterday. And out of force of habit, the doctor gave him the shot between those two wrinkles in his forehead.
John Kerry said today that Bush was planning a "January surprise” if he’s reelected. Hey if we know who’s going to be president by January that will be a surprise, don’t you think?
Some people are now saying the questions at the end of the debate actually helped John Kerry because they made him look more human - well, that and taking the bolt out of his neck.
While in Las Vegas yesterday, John Kerry met with the AARP. They were having their convention. Kerry gave a speech, and then Kerry introduced his retirement plan…his wife, Teresa.
Both Bush and Kerry were campaigning in Las Vegas yesterday...you know it’d be great if the candidates who went to Vegas, stayed in Vegas.
Letterman
The campaign trail is getting rough. Just today John Kerry really shook things up by introducing his own lesbian daughter to the country.
Leno
In an interview in USA Today, Teresa Heinz Kerry said she didn’t think Laura Bush, who was a public school librarian for nine years, had ever held a "real job." Let me tell you something. If you’re a librarian married to George W. Bush, there is no harder job on Earth.
Teresa Heinz Kerry’s defenders said, oh, she just says those things once in a while because she’s "eccentric." You know what eccentric means? It’s when someone is crazy but they're rich. Like you never see an eccentric homeless guy. The old guy urinating in the street? "Oh, he’s just eccentric." Just a funny, wacky guy.
And the rumor is that it’ll be like the last time. Kerry will win the popular vote and Bush will win the electoral votes. And they say Americans could spend weeks not knowing who’s really president, Bush or Kerry. Hey, is that so bad? We spent the last 4 years not really knowing who is president, Bush or Cheney.
Candidates are using a lot of boxing metaphors. President Bush kept quoting boxer Joe Louis "You can run but you can’t hide”. John Kerry quoted Mohammed Ali "Is that all you got?” And today Ralph Nader quoted Mike Tyson "I’m broke.”
In the debate, stern-faced John Kerry looked like he was at a funeral while smiling President Bush just looked giddy. It was like a before and after ad for Prozac.
John Kerry’s a little carried away. Today he blamed the eruption of Mt. St. Helen on President Bush. He said when he’s president, he’ll hold a summit of all the volcanoes in the world, "Mt. Fuji, Mt. Etna, Mt. Vesuvius…and build a coalition of volcanoes. They will pass a volcano test.”
Bush said, to help with the flu vaccine shortage this year, he’s not going to get a flu shot. Then he coughed and shook John Kerry’s hand four times.
President Bush and Senator Kerry had their final debate last night. They were going after the undecided vote, unfortunately the undecideds were watching baseball.
John Kerry took a lot of flack for a statement he made in the "New York Times” on Sunday. He said we need to get back to the days when terrorism was not our main focus but just a nuisance like prostitution. And 500 Democrats immediately fired back; "since when is prostitution a nuisance?” It’s only when the girl doesn’t have change, that’s the only time.
I read today in the times that John Kerry has now received the endorsement from the national marijuana party. Well good luck getting those people out to the polls! Yeah that should be no problem.
Some undecided voters are saying they wish they could mix Bush and Kerry together. Oh that would be the perfect candidate, a boring guy who trips over his words.
Both sides are using every angle. Like they just released x-rays that show shrapnel still lodged in John Kerry’s leg from Vietnam, so the white house is fighting back. They're releasing x-rays of bits of pretzel lodged in the back of President Bush's throat.
The big vice presidential debate between Dick Cheney and John Edwards. It’s the heartthrob vs. the throbbing heart.
Some good news from watching the debates - the terror alert on John Kerry’s face has been lowered from orange back down to pasty white. He’s pasty white again.
I saw it on the cover of "Newsweek” today, and ABC, CNN, they all said that John Kerry won the debate the other night. I just hope this doesn’t give him a swelled head.
Pundits also said that Bush seemed unprepared and looked tired. They said what Bush needs to do is two things – study videos of John Kerry speaking and get some sleep. And the nice thing is he can do both of those at the same time.
Letterman
Did you have a nice weekend? Did you watch the debate last week? Wasn’t it unbelievable? John Kerry is so confident now he is back to wind surfing.
Leno
How many watched the presidential debate ? Or, as the networks were calling it: "Rich White Guy Survivor".
The first question went to John Kerry because he won the coin toss. Well duh. His wife owns all the coins.
Although Bush said he wasn’t getting a flu shot, Kerry got a flu shot yesterday. And out of force of habit, the doctor gave him the shot between those two wrinkles in his forehead.
John Kerry said today that Bush was planning a "January surprise” if he’s reelected. Hey if we know who’s going to be president by January that will be a surprise, don’t you think?
Some people are now saying the questions at the end of the debate actually helped John Kerry because they made him look more human - well, that and taking the bolt out of his neck.
While in Las Vegas yesterday, John Kerry met with the AARP. They were having their convention. Kerry gave a speech, and then Kerry introduced his retirement plan…his wife, Teresa.
Both Bush and Kerry were campaigning in Las Vegas yesterday...you know it’d be great if the candidates who went to Vegas, stayed in Vegas.
Letterman
The campaign trail is getting rough. Just today John Kerry really shook things up by introducing his own lesbian daughter to the country.
Leno
In an interview in USA Today, Teresa Heinz Kerry said she didn’t think Laura Bush, who was a public school librarian for nine years, had ever held a "real job." Let me tell you something. If you’re a librarian married to George W. Bush, there is no harder job on Earth.
Teresa Heinz Kerry’s defenders said, oh, she just says those things once in a while because she’s "eccentric." You know what eccentric means? It’s when someone is crazy but they're rich. Like you never see an eccentric homeless guy. The old guy urinating in the street? "Oh, he’s just eccentric." Just a funny, wacky guy.
And the rumor is that it’ll be like the last time. Kerry will win the popular vote and Bush will win the electoral votes. And they say Americans could spend weeks not knowing who’s really president, Bush or Kerry. Hey, is that so bad? We spent the last 4 years not really knowing who is president, Bush or Cheney.
Candidates are using a lot of boxing metaphors. President Bush kept quoting boxer Joe Louis "You can run but you can’t hide”. John Kerry quoted Mohammed Ali "Is that all you got?” And today Ralph Nader quoted Mike Tyson "I’m broke.”
In the debate, stern-faced John Kerry looked like he was at a funeral while smiling President Bush just looked giddy. It was like a before and after ad for Prozac.
John Kerry’s a little carried away. Today he blamed the eruption of Mt. St. Helen on President Bush. He said when he’s president, he’ll hold a summit of all the volcanoes in the world, "Mt. Fuji, Mt. Etna, Mt. Vesuvius…and build a coalition of volcanoes. They will pass a volcano test.”
Bush said, to help with the flu vaccine shortage this year, he’s not going to get a flu shot. Then he coughed and shook John Kerry’s hand four times.
President Bush and Senator Kerry had their final debate last night. They were going after the undecided vote, unfortunately the undecideds were watching baseball.
John Kerry took a lot of flack for a statement he made in the "New York Times” on Sunday. He said we need to get back to the days when terrorism was not our main focus but just a nuisance like prostitution. And 500 Democrats immediately fired back; "since when is prostitution a nuisance?” It’s only when the girl doesn’t have change, that’s the only time.
I read today in the times that John Kerry has now received the endorsement from the national marijuana party. Well good luck getting those people out to the polls! Yeah that should be no problem.
Some undecided voters are saying they wish they could mix Bush and Kerry together. Oh that would be the perfect candidate, a boring guy who trips over his words.
Both sides are using every angle. Like they just released x-rays that show shrapnel still lodged in John Kerry’s leg from Vietnam, so the white house is fighting back. They're releasing x-rays of bits of pretzel lodged in the back of President Bush's throat.
The big vice presidential debate between Dick Cheney and John Edwards. It’s the heartthrob vs. the throbbing heart.
Some good news from watching the debates - the terror alert on John Kerry’s face has been lowered from orange back down to pasty white. He’s pasty white again.
I saw it on the cover of "Newsweek” today, and ABC, CNN, they all said that John Kerry won the debate the other night. I just hope this doesn’t give him a swelled head.
Pundits also said that Bush seemed unprepared and looked tired. They said what Bush needs to do is two things – study videos of John Kerry speaking and get some sleep. And the nice thing is he can do both of those at the same time.
Letterman
Did you have a nice weekend? Did you watch the debate last week? Wasn’t it unbelievable? John Kerry is so confident now he is back to wind surfing.
Leno
How many watched the presidential debate ? Or, as the networks were calling it: "Rich White Guy Survivor".
The first question went to John Kerry because he won the coin toss. Well duh. His wife owns all the coins.
Friday, October 01, 2004
Leno
They say this debate is already helping the economy. In fact, millions of people are buying large screen TV sets so they can see Kerry’s entire head.
Letterman
Welcome to the show. This just in. CBS says they can not vouch for the authenticity of John Kerry’s tan.
Leno
Debates experts say President Bush could win if he doesn’t get off message. But John Kerry could win if he gets a message.
First he gets the Botox. Now he’s got the rich tan. Apparently the senator’s confused. The Miss America Pageant was last week. This is the presidential debates. In fact it was reported today Kerry got a bikini wax.
A New York company has made a video game that re-enacts John Kerry's war career. Players pretend they're Kerry, on a swift boat in Vietnam. Wasn't there already some game based on John Kerry's life? Oh, yeah, "Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire?”
Forbes” magazine has released its latest list of the richest 400 Americans. The richest woman on the list is Alice Walton, she’s worth 18 billion dollars. Or as John Kerry calls her – the one who got away.
You know what’s interesting, both candidates now are trying to lower expectations for how they’ll do on the debates. For example Kerry tried to lower expectations for himself by saying "Bush has never lost a debate and that he is a formable opponent.” Then Bush lowered expectations for himself when he said, "hey what does formable mean?”
Teresa Heinz Kerry predicted at a fundraiser the other day that Osama bin Laden will be captured just before the election. Of course when President Bush heard he was furious. He said, "How did she find out?”
Letterman
There are some rules in the debates. The candidates for example must stand at least ten feet apart. They must not address each other directly. It’s the same rules in the John Kerry and Teresa Heinz pre-nup agreement.
Leno
John Kerry is still fighting a bad head cold. And with his head, that could last for years.
Yesterday President Bush gave a major speech about Iraq and today John Kerry gave a major speech about Iraq. Do you know what this means—the war in Vietnam may finally be over.
This year there are 50 women on the "Forbes” 400 richest list. Or as John Kerry calls that, his little black book.
Letterman
John Kerry has been making changes to his campaign staff. Today he fired his wife and hired Heather Locklear.
Kerry has gotten rid of a bunch of people. He’s now brought in a bunch from the Clinton team. These Clinton guys are good! It’s amazing what they can do. The first thing they did for Kerry was get him a chubby intern.
Leno
John Kerry says if he’s elected president, he will go to the U.N. and persuade the other nations to help fight the War on Terror. We can’t get them to pay their parking tickets. Why don’t you start with that?
John Kerry will debate President Bush in Florida. Right now Kerry has a bad cold, you can barely understand what he’s saying, so it looks like it should be a fair fight.
In fact his voice is so bad, doctors have advised him to rest his throat and only give one position on each issue for awhile.
Last night John Kerry said George Bush was incompetent in handling of Iraq and President Bush said that John Kerry can’t make up his mind. You know what’s really scary - they’re both right.
Opposite the Emmys, NBC showed "Titanic”. I saw a ship coming down, I thought it was the Kerry campaign.
President Bush still continuing to lead in the polls. In fact when John Kerry was told the latest poll numbers, he called President Clinton again. Not for advice, just to make sure he had his vote. "You’re still with me right?”
Did you know John Kerry is going to be appearing on "Dr. Phil” next week. Is that how bad his campaign is going? He needs grief counseling now?
They say this debate is already helping the economy. In fact, millions of people are buying large screen TV sets so they can see Kerry’s entire head.
Letterman
Welcome to the show. This just in. CBS says they can not vouch for the authenticity of John Kerry’s tan.
Leno
Debates experts say President Bush could win if he doesn’t get off message. But John Kerry could win if he gets a message.
First he gets the Botox. Now he’s got the rich tan. Apparently the senator’s confused. The Miss America Pageant was last week. This is the presidential debates. In fact it was reported today Kerry got a bikini wax.
A New York company has made a video game that re-enacts John Kerry's war career. Players pretend they're Kerry, on a swift boat in Vietnam. Wasn't there already some game based on John Kerry's life? Oh, yeah, "Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire?”
Forbes” magazine has released its latest list of the richest 400 Americans. The richest woman on the list is Alice Walton, she’s worth 18 billion dollars. Or as John Kerry calls her – the one who got away.
You know what’s interesting, both candidates now are trying to lower expectations for how they’ll do on the debates. For example Kerry tried to lower expectations for himself by saying "Bush has never lost a debate and that he is a formable opponent.” Then Bush lowered expectations for himself when he said, "hey what does formable mean?”
Teresa Heinz Kerry predicted at a fundraiser the other day that Osama bin Laden will be captured just before the election. Of course when President Bush heard he was furious. He said, "How did she find out?”
Letterman
There are some rules in the debates. The candidates for example must stand at least ten feet apart. They must not address each other directly. It’s the same rules in the John Kerry and Teresa Heinz pre-nup agreement.
Leno
John Kerry is still fighting a bad head cold. And with his head, that could last for years.
Yesterday President Bush gave a major speech about Iraq and today John Kerry gave a major speech about Iraq. Do you know what this means—the war in Vietnam may finally be over.
This year there are 50 women on the "Forbes” 400 richest list. Or as John Kerry calls that, his little black book.
Letterman
John Kerry has been making changes to his campaign staff. Today he fired his wife and hired Heather Locklear.
Kerry has gotten rid of a bunch of people. He’s now brought in a bunch from the Clinton team. These Clinton guys are good! It’s amazing what they can do. The first thing they did for Kerry was get him a chubby intern.
Leno
John Kerry says if he’s elected president, he will go to the U.N. and persuade the other nations to help fight the War on Terror. We can’t get them to pay their parking tickets. Why don’t you start with that?
John Kerry will debate President Bush in Florida. Right now Kerry has a bad cold, you can barely understand what he’s saying, so it looks like it should be a fair fight.
In fact his voice is so bad, doctors have advised him to rest his throat and only give one position on each issue for awhile.
Last night John Kerry said George Bush was incompetent in handling of Iraq and President Bush said that John Kerry can’t make up his mind. You know what’s really scary - they’re both right.
Opposite the Emmys, NBC showed "Titanic”. I saw a ship coming down, I thought it was the Kerry campaign.
President Bush still continuing to lead in the polls. In fact when John Kerry was told the latest poll numbers, he called President Clinton again. Not for advice, just to make sure he had his vote. "You’re still with me right?”
Did you know John Kerry is going to be appearing on "Dr. Phil” next week. Is that how bad his campaign is going? He needs grief counseling now?
